DILEMMAS The capless toothpaste tube is a symptom of something nasty

Last week's problem: In the 18 months they've been living together, Corinne's boyfriend has got on her nerves. Sweet as he is, he doesn't pay his tax, he leaves the cap off the toothpaste, his clothes on the floor, and the loo seat up. Corinne hates it,...

"It's only a toothpaste cap, for God's sake. Not the end of the world" - that's how Corinne can berate herself for nagging if she looks at her boyfriend's faults individually. No, none of them is that important. But her enraged feelings are important. And to get a better idea of what's going on under the surface, Corinne should look at her boyfriend's faults as a whole. She'll find that they each have two things in common. They're signs of a man who can't finish anything off properly, and signs of a man who lives entirely for himself.

He cleans his teeth - but he can't finish the job off by putting the cap back on the tube. He goes to the loo - but he leaves the seat up with no consideration for the femininity of the next user. He has a bath - and rather than put his towel away, he again leaves the task unfinished. And, finally, he earns his money, but he can't resolve the issue by paying tax. He neither has the maturity to finish a job properly, nor does he give a pin about how his unfinished business affects others - either Corinne herself or, in the case of paying tax, society generally.

To compound the matter, when the problems are pointed out, he seems blind to their effects. His tax may be his own affair, but his selfish default is worrying for Corinne and, in some dark recess of her mind no doubt, for any child they might have. And while he listens to her complaints about his personal habits, he does nothing about them. So he has the added fault of not taking Corinne's feelings seriously, or understanding how deeply his actions can affect others.

Corinne's boyfriend's mind would probably boggle if he knew how she makes the emotional leap from irritation about a capless toothpaste tube to fury at an irresponsible man who isn't in charge of his life. But the capless tube is symptomatic. And Corinne should point this out. Were he to grow up and become more responsible, after all, she probably wouldn't mind the little domestic slips. But then, were he to mature, maybe the domestic slips would disappear automatically.

All men aren't little boys, as Corinne's friend declares, but this one is, and Corinne would prefer to share her life with an equal. Someone who can complete big and simple tasks, and someone who doesn't operate as if on his own, but integrates his actions with the desires of his partner.

If he can't grow up, Corinne can either accept that she lives with a lovely little boy. Or start looking for someone in longer trousers ... who doesn't leave them lying around.

The hardliner

Corinne's boyfriend may be charming, forgetful and laid-back, but at heart he is selfish and dishonest. Any man who cannot be bothered to make an effort on any of the little things will certainly not do so when there are more important issues at stake.

People who evade tax are thieves. Her boyfriend is not behaving responsibly towards society and will surely not, in the long run, behave responsibly towards Corinne herself. She should dump him unless he reforms.

Katherine Wilson, Surrey

The stern adviser

Count yourself lucky that your boyfriend doesn't complain that you leave the lid on the toothpaste or that you leave the loo seat down. If these trivialities really matter to you, then I would suggest that he's the wrong man for you.

If the tax problem bugs you, make it plain where you stand. If you aren't prepared to bail him out make sure he knows. But maybe he has it all in hand and it really is none of your business.

He's either a "waster" or he's "sorted". If he's a waster then get yourself out of there and get a life. If he's sorted then take a leaf out of his book and "chill out". At present you're sounding like a "hopeless little girl at heart".

Alan Sharland, London N7

The tolerant landlady

I've had plenty of exposure to this situation with partners, family, lodgers and in-laws of all ages: believe me, it's not only men, or the younger ages, who are "guilty", if that's the word. Some of the worst slobs I've housed have been pretty 25-year-old girls tripping off to their day or evening looking like pictures and leaving chaos in the house ... day after day.

Rule number one: don't attempt to change him (or her if appropriate). Adapt or go, and don't waste energy on ire, rancour, bile or scorn. There ain't no livin' with folks!

Laura, Birmingham

The wounded lover

A couple of years ago, my girlfriend suddenly ended what had been a happy, loving and peaceful relationship. We never argued: we talked openly and honestly about everything, including our relationship and where it was going, or so I thought.

But one evening she asked me if I deliberately left the toilet seat up to annoy her. I never did anything deliberately to annoy her, and in her heart she would certainly have acknowledged that.

At the time, it disturbed me in a way I couldn't put my finger on. Now it is a clear indicator of her doubts and confusion, which even she probably did not recognise at the time. The message to Corinne is clear: Deep down, you want out.

Anon

The part-time partner

I am well aware of my infuriating traits, which could become major irritations if my partner and I were together all the time.

Our solution is to share long weekends from Thursday to Monday, and to go to our separate homes mid-week so that we can each have two or three days doing our own thing in our own way. As the weekend approaches we are both eager to be together again.

Irritations have no time to build up, and there is no pressure to sweep differences under the carpet in order to preserve a single shared home, with tension building up to an intolerable level.

Oddly enough, the underlying realisation that this arrangement can be broken by either of us makes me much more considerate. It's a way of life that might appeal to many married couples.

Harold Brend, Hitchin, Hertfordshire

NEXT WEEKS' DILEMMA

Dear Virginia,

My eldest son is now nine years old and at the stage where he wants the freedom to walk or cycle to the shops or park by himself. My husband feels he should be allowed to do this and argues that he must learn to become more independent. I agree, but with every report on the latest child abduction, rape, murder etc, my fears for his safety return and I argue that we should wait a little longer (preferably till he's 18!).

We've started allowing him to walk to the local shop to spend his pocket money. But I know exactly how long it takes and I spend the time staring out of the window, timing him till he's safely home. There are so many dangers out there, and I could never forgive myself if anything happened to him. Am I being over-anxious and over-protective, or should I keep him accompanied for a little while longer?

With kind regards, Stephanie

All comments are welcome, and everyone who has a suggestion quoted will be sent a Dynagrip 50 ballpen from Paper:Mate.

Please send your comments and suggestions to me at the Features Department, the Independent, 1 Canada Square, London E14 5DL; fax 071-293-2182, by Tuesday morning. And if you have any dilemmas of your own that you would like to share with readers, let me know.