Pandora

SUNDAY MARKS Nato's 50th anniversary (and we'll skip cracks about the day being a real bomb and going with a bang, if you don't mind) Nato's big five-oh seems a good time to remind readers that Rule 5 of the organisation's articles of association states that "an armed attack against [one member] shall be considered an attack against them all." Funnily enough, Nato's diktat is surprisingly similar to the Hells Angels' Bylaw No 10: "When an angel punches a non-Angel, all other angels will participate." Fine strategic minds think alike.

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CHARLES SPENCER, the lawyer who holds most of the heart of the lovely Express editor, Rosie Boycott, thriftily bought himself a number of sleek new designer suits in the January sales. Imagine his chagrin when he discovered all had mysteriously gone walkabout. Bountiful Rosie, it seems, had generously donated them to a local charity shop. Minions from The Depress were hurriedly dispatched to try to retrieve the expensive kit. Coming soon to a waste bin near you: a thrilling feature about the serendipity of thrift shopping.

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SEEN IN 192, the smart Notting Hill Gate watering-hole: Sir Robin Day wearing a Bill Clinton mask.

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HAS JAPAN'S leading newspaper, Asahi Shimbun, found a way to improve that Western invention, the April Fools' gag? We're assured not. But on 1 April the newspaper ran a prominent piece suggesting that Prime Minister Keizo Obuchi is trying to push through an initiative called Minister Big Bang. This would invite "two or three" foreigners to join the Japanese cabinet. Mickey Kantor, a former Clinton aide, Lee Kwan Yew, the sinister Singapore strongman, Thatcher and Gorbachev were named among the front- runners. But three out of four of these well-knackered old crumblies are a bit past their sell-bys. Perhaps readers can suggest some more interesting candidates? E-mail Pandora 30 words or fewer on why your nominee should be a Japanese cabinet minister. The best will be passed on to the Japanese embassy.

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JOHN MAPLES, the shadow Defence Secretary, who infuriated his erstwhile Knightsbridge neighbours with the "horrible" smells emanating from his kitchen, is becoming inexplicably mellow. This week in the Commons, he was spotted putting in some overtime at the Z-factory during a speech by Clare Short. Further along the blue benches, the Hague honcho and alleged tightwad, Alan Duncan, has also been making a spectacle of himself. When asked about his new glasses, the gravitas-hungry Duncan admitted: "They don't actually magnify anything."

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TOMORROW IS Boat Race day, so Pandora presents her subtitles for the slanguage-impaired to give you the low-down on what the muscle in those boats will be saying. A bear jumped on our back - lack of energy at the end of a race; blade - part of the oar that goes in the water; catch a crab - when the blade gets caught in the water after a stroke; hammer - strong rower with no technique; luggage - a rower who doesn't pull his weight; stroke seat - rower who sets the boat's pace; swing - state achieved when a crew moves in unison.

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BRITAIN IS a high society - and that's official. According to the Lisbon- based European Centre for Monitoring Drugs and Drug Abuse, Brits consume more illegal narcotics per head than anywhere else in Euroland. Brits are even out-doing the Netherlands, a state so drug-friendly it's becoming a nation in a state.

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MINISTRY MAGAZINE, a journal that chronicles young people's escapades in night-clubs, claims that a hypnotist, Zane Monroe, is working the nation's niteries offering to replicate the disco biscuit experience for pounds 8 a pop. Of course, since you're in a hypnotic trance, there's no danger of you hapless clubbers approaching a complete stranger and hearing yourself saying: "Nice one geezer! Sorted! Here are my credit cards, give 'em a caning! Wicked!"

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THE PHRASE that pays. The words that put the glide in Pandora's stride this week: "They don't have a Scooby." Scooby? (Pictured.) Think rhyming slang. And if you still don't get it... you haven't a clue.

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