England v Sweden: Amazing, everything, it’s coming home – alternative World Cup commentary, from Mark Steel and Shappi Khorsandi

Follow every twist and turn of England's quarter-final match against Sweden in Samara

Sweden v England_ World Cup quarter-final match preview

So, this is it – the most exciting moment since, well, 2006, when the England football team last appeared in a World Cup quarter-final. Back then we got squished by the mighty Brazil. Today we have the chance of being squished by dull old Sweden.

Most crucially, can the English nation handle the kind of excitement that had grown men and women crying out in despair during Tuesday’s match against Colombia?

And where better to discover the kind of good, relaxing company you’ll need for the coming 90 minutes (or maybe more – eek), than right here at The Independent’s World Cup alternative live blog, where footballing experts Mark Steel and Shappi Khorsandi will be following every kick, slap, slip and tackle.

Stick with us people and follow all the live action below

Key Points

• England triumph in serene victory
• Dele Alli increases England's win to 2-0
• Gareth Southgate hopes to make history
• England progress to their first World Cup semi-final since 1990

[7 July 2018 16:37 · daniel.khalili-tari]

Mark Steel: That last save by Pickford was even better than the others. And his yelling at his defenders was world class. Surely he should be Viscount of Cumberland or something similar by 5.10pm.

[7 July 2018 16:38 · daniel.khalili-tari]

Pickford's goalkeeping has been praised by many, including Alan Shearer: 

[7 July 2018 16:47 · daniel.khalili-tari]

Shappi Khorsandi: Pickford is my son, well kind of.

[7 July 2018 16:50 · daniel.khalili-tari]

Mark Steel: I love Pickford, but I'm not sure you'd want him living next door to you. "Jordan, I'm sorry I parked near your mother's plants but you don't need to jab your finger in my face and scream 'get over there'."

[7 July 2018 17:01 · daniel.khalili-tari]

Shappi Khorsandi: What a win for England. It’s coming home. It’s coming home. It’s coming!

[7 July 2018 17:10 · daniel.khalili-tari]

Mark Steel: What a superb result. This team is a collective, more than any England team I remember. Compare the persona of Harry Kane to the superstardom of David Beckham (who was a superb player).

It's managed by someone who understands the social reasons, the absurd pressures, the inflated self-importance of England that has ruined previous England teams.

This lot are easy to love. I'd better stop. (I'm supposed to be doing a show in Nottingham on Wednesday night - hmmm).

[7 July 2018 17:20 · daniel.khalili-tari]

That's all from us this evening. You can follow our other live blog, where we'll be covering Croatia's quarter-final match against World Cup host's Russia, with kick-off at 7pm.