England v Sweden: Amazing, everything, it’s coming home – alternative World Cup commentary, from Mark Steel and Shappi Khorsandi

Follow every twist and turn of England's quarter-final match against Sweden in Samara

Sweden v England_ World Cup quarter-final match preview

So, this is it – the most exciting moment since, well, 2006, when the England football team last appeared in a World Cup quarter-final. Back then we got squished by the mighty Brazil. Today we have the chance of being squished by dull old Sweden.

Most crucially, can the English nation handle the kind of excitement that had grown men and women crying out in despair during Tuesday’s match against Colombia?

And where better to discover the kind of good, relaxing company you’ll need for the coming 90 minutes (or maybe more – eek), than right here at The Independent’s World Cup alternative live blog, where footballing experts Mark Steel and Shappi Khorsandi will be following every kick, slap, slip and tackle.

Stick with us people and follow all the live action below

Key Points

• England triumph in serene victory
• Dele Alli increases England's win to 2-0
• Gareth Southgate hopes to make history
• England progress to their first World Cup semi-final since 1990

[7 July 2018 14:28 · daniel.khalili-tari]

Shappi Khorsandi: OK. This is a gamble. We have got together with a heap of people in my neighbourhood whose kids go to the same football club (my son’s team won the league. It’s important for me, as a mother that you all know that!) There are four Swedes in our gang. They have confided in me that they don’t think Sweden will win. Swedes are always right so I’m very excited and hopeful!

[7 July 2018 14:59 · daniel.khalili-tari]

Shappi Khorsandi: Oh lord! There is one small screen set up for about 100 of us to watch. A renegade group of us, through a series of winks, nods and twitching have decided, after the football awards of our kids have been handed out, to rush back to my house. I’m beside myself. Not least because I haven’t hoovered.

[7 July 2018 15:02 · daniel.khalili-tari]

Mark Steel: Got to Brighton Marina and saw this. A smart move, I expect it will turnout hardly anyone watched the football and 29 million watched the tennis instead.

[7 July 2018 15:07 · daniel.khalili-tari]

Former England striker and Stoke City player Peter Crouch is hoping England can pull it off: 

[7 July 2018 15:12 · daniel.khalili-tari]

Mark Steel: This is unexpected, I've been invited into a yachting club to see the match. I hope it doesn't kick off, like it did in the Cowes v Henley St Johnstone's Regatta semi-final.

[7 July 2018 15:26 · daniel.khalili-tari]

Shappi Khorsandi: The kids didn’t want to leave the local social club's field because they were all playing football. They had no interest in watching! They are playing themselves! Weirdos. My neighbour and I have bundled our daughters into the car and are going to my house. Stressful time!

[7 July 2018 15:33 · daniel.khalili-tari]

Shappi Khorsandi: England’s goal was scored at the exact moment I was taking a selfie. So we missed it. I hate modern life.

[7 July 2018 15:35 · daniel.khalili-tari]

Mark Steel: Right, for anyone who doesn't normally watch football, here are the rules. You don’t say a thing. You don't mention semi-finals or things coming home, nothing. Shush.

[7 July 2018 15:37 · daniel.khalili-tari]

Shappi Khorsandi: The selfie we took while England scored was nice though: 

[7 July 2018 15:40 · daniel.khalili-tari]

Shappi Khorsandi: Three seconds after England scored, my friend called me “to have a chat”. I hung up. I will have to buy her dinner now, but seriously!