Please, please can we stop sending voice notes?

Who are these people, these monsters, who think it’s OK to send podcast-length voice notes?

Sending a voice note when you don’t need to smacks of a certain self-indulgence to me (Getty)

Voice notes are the devil. There, I said it. They are the scourge of WhatsApp, once a perfectly good instant messaging platform, now tainted by the threatening possibility of having to listen to someone who is more of vague acquaintance than a close friend expounding on the ins and outs of whether their flatmate likes them or not, uninterrupted, for nine whole minutes.

I realise that this might be a polarising view, and I would like to take the opportunity to reassure my friends and loved ones that I am glad to know you and be in touch with you, and I do care about what you have to say. But I ask – nay, beg – you: please don’t deliver your thoughts in the form of a voice note.

My heart sinks when I see a voice note arrive, and if it’s more than a minute long, then bitter experience dictates that I’m probably not going to play it. It’ll become yet another thing on my to-do list, an unwelcome new obligation that feels weirdly daunting, and definitely wouldn’t have if the sender had just typed out what they wanted to tell me.

Even the short ones are a minefield. At 19 seconds, is the voice note saying “sure, I’ll be there?” or is it saying “I hate you”? Please, spare my anxiety levels and use the dictation function instead.

Voice notes are akin to the traditional phone call, and this is partly why I despise them, as I loathe the chest-constricting, heart-palpitating anxiety of being on the phone – whether it’s to someone I’m close to, or a stranger trying to sell me Sky broadband. They have the edge on phone calls in one way (you can pause and come back to them, or put off listening to them indefinitely) but they’re also worse, because it feels like less of a reciprocal experience.

Maybe it’s some sort of latent puritanism rearing its head, but sending a voice note when you don’t need to smacks of a certain self-indulgence. It strikes me as oddly extravagant, like doing your weekly shop at Whole Foods or having some sort of elaborate skincare routine.

One question that desperately needs asking here is this – who are these people, these monsters, who think it’s OK to send podcast-length voice notes? Do they believe the rest of us have unlimited time? Unlimited patience? That we wouldn’t rather be listening to music and quietly reading their latest missive instead?

Perhaps the Voice Note Sender is suffering from Main Character Syndrome, or they’re labouring under the delusion that their life is one long, endlessly fascinating Sally Rooney novel. Not to generalise, but senders of voice notes have a certain blithe confidence, they’re utterly unphased by the sound of their own dulcet tones, and I’m pretty sure they aren’t actually too busy to use their thumbs and type.

I see you, sending your voice notes, sweeping along the pavement in a floor-length gown, followed by a blast of Le Labo’s Santal 33, trilling observations into your upturned phone.

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And let’s face it, voice notes always arrive at the most inopportune moments. I’m sure at least some of you will be familiar with the horror of opening one accidentally in the office or on public transport, when headphones are not engaged.

I want to ingest my information quickly and concisely on WhatsApp, and that means being able to visually sum up a message. Your voice note denies me this.

Of course, for some folks and in some situations, voice notes are far more accessible and convenient. Sometimes they are, I grudgingly admit, necessary. But that’s the exception, not the rule. I’m also aware that some people find them intimate, or romantic – and that’s fine, if that’s your thing. But keep your weird, breathy recordings away from me.

If you’d prefer to communicate with me entirely in the form of gifs and emojis, I welcome it. Just stop with the voice notes, for the love of God.