The ultimate gift guide for Republican politicians this Christmas

Don't worry, there’s still time to get your favorite right-leaning politician a meaningful gift for the holidays to cheer them up, writes Jay Black

“A silicon duck muzzle for small dogs. This is what economists call a ‘win-win’” (Getty Images/iStockphoto)

Well, here we are: it’s late December and we have lost another War on Christmas. Despite our best efforts to introduce earth-shattering changes like Starbucks employees saying “happy holidays”, or school districts renaming time off as the “winter break”, Christmas will, unfortunately, still be happening as scheduled.

Don’t worry, though, there is still time to get your favorite right-leaning politician a meaningful gift for the holidays to cheer them up after another hard-fought battle. (And yes, before you Google what they may want, they already have AR15s — you don’t arrange an annual Christmas card with your family looking like they’re prepping for The Purge by borrowing weaponry).

Despite our differences, Christmas is the one time of year we can call a truce and come together to drink some non-denominational vegan egg nog. So, c’mon, let’s dig deep and look for gifts that are truly special.

Ron Desantis

(Getty Images/iStockphoto)

A three pack of juggling balls. At first, this might seem like a strange choice, but remember, we’re trying for thoughtful gifts that they would never buy for themselves. This past year has taught Ron a few things:

1. Acting like a human is a lot harder than it looks.

2. Ron DeSantis has a better chance of being inducted into the Roller Derby Hall of Fame than he does of being elected president.

3. While it might be easy to criticize Ron DeSantis for his floundering, lizard-tongue-flicking campaign of failures, the one thing that you can’t deny is that he did all that campaigning in heels so high that they might as well have been stilts.

As his second term as governor winds down, why not put those stilt-walking skills to good use by learning to juggle and starting a second career as a clown? I hear Disney is hiring, or at least they will be, once DeSantis is ousted from office.

Nikki Haley

A Dr Who-inspired popcorn snack box. Nikki Haley is well known to some as the former Governor of South Carolina and Donald Trump’s ambassador to the UN. But she’s known to most as the lady who went on Twitter in 2020 to yell at The Popcorn Factory about a late delivery.

(hotpepperdesigns/Etsy)

So, a place to keep her favorite snack food, should it ever arrive, is a perfect choice for her. Plus, Nikki must love the time-traveling adventures of Dr Who; after all, if she is able to travel back 40 years ago to a time when Republicans considered themselves serious people who solved real-world problems with conservative principles, instead of the orgy of ants undulating at the base of a slowly-melting orange sherbet snowman that they are now, she might have a shot of being elected president.

Vivek Ramaswamy

A silicon duck muzzle for small dogs. This is what economists call a “win-win”. Ramaswamy can save what’s left of his tattered reputation by no longer being able to go on TV and spout conspiracy theories, and the rest of us can get a break from hearing his nasally, what-if-a-bit-coin-bot-came-to-life whine. Plus, the rubber-duck styling adds a bit of much-needed dignity to a campaign that has been so far sorely lacking it.

Chris Christie

Tickets to Peter Frampton’s concert at the Count Basie Theater in Red Bank New Jersey, Tuesday March 5th. What’s that you say? Super Tuesday is March 5th? Yeah, I wouldn’t worry, Chris should be free.

(Getty Images)

Kevin McCarthy, Ted Cruz and Lindsey Graham

A human skeleton kit. For too long these men have had to wonder: what is a spine? Where is it found? What does it do? Well, once they complete this kit they’ll have intimate knowledge of what a human spine is, and maybe, just maybe, where they might be able to find their own.

Eric Trump

“Hello My Name Is” stickers, 1000-count roll. Listen, it happens: some well-meaning aide thinks, “well, he’s the ex-president’s son” and accidentally invites Eric to a Trump event at Mar-a-Lago, causing all sorts of emotional problems when Donald looks him dead in the eye and says, “and you are?” Being able to write “ERIC” in big bold letters should solve the problem nicely, even if the R is backwards.

(Wikimedia Commons)

Donald Trump

Magic erasers. This is going to be a rough year for the embattled former president. Not only will he have to campaign for the presidency, he’ll also be dealing with approximately 4,000 criminal trials running simultaneously. When you consider that his lawyers are cobbled together from the advertisements on the back of a diner menu, he’s poised to have far more setbacks than he will wins.

2024 is thus going to be the longest, most-sustained, and devastating rain of ketchup that the poor walls of Mar-a-Lago has ever seen. These should help keep some of the stains from lasting.

Donald Trump Jr

(Goodreads)

“Narcissistic Fathers” by Dr Theresa J Covert. Hey, Mr Junior? Remember that scene in Good Will Hunting?

It’s not your fault. Look at me son. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.

The rest of the Republican Party

(Alamy Stock Photo)

Yellow Construction Ear Protectors. Because you never know when Lara Trump is going to sing.