The Top 10: Unrealistic clichés in TV drama

A list of unlikely yet terribly predictable scenarios on screen

Cary Grant and Grace Kelly chatting in To Catch a Thief, 1955: what’s that curved thing in her hand?

This list was suggested by Max Tyler, who said: “Any country house has to feature the sounds of peafowl, although none is ever seen; at night the peafowl’s calls will be replaced with a vixen’s bark; and even the most affluent do their own washing up at the sink rather than have a dishwasher.” So many good nominations it’s a Top 20 this week.

1. Loud clunky noise when turning on lights in a large space (factory, sports ground, theatre), a noise that has never, in your entire experience of turning on lights, been heard. Thanks to Blair McDougall.

2. Don’t look at the road when driving and talking to someone as it’s important to look at the passenger for increasingly dangerous lengths of time. Don’t worry; you’ll never hit anything. Robin Houston.

3. Swords making a “shing” sound when drawn. Ben Allen.

4. Actors pretending to drink from empty cups or swinging them about in such a way that the liquid would obviously slop out. Once spotted you will see it everywhere – soaps, dramas, big films. Surely drama schools can include a lesson on realistic pretend drinking? Or, how about actually putting liquid in the cups? “At last,” said Paul Keeble, relieved finally to get this off his chest. Anne Giegerich added: Characters carrying supposedly heavy suitcases which are obviously empty.

5. The poor, unrealistic design of newspapers in TV dramas always irks me greatly, said Roger Domeneghetti. TV writers also always get the language of newspaper reporting wrong, added Robert Wright.

6. When a computer searches a database it scrolls through each record, mugshot, aliases and all, on screen. While chirping. Geoffrey Mamdani. Alex Robinson added: Computers always beep whenever a key is pressed. Any calculation or download is accompanied by a rapid “bipbipbipbipbip” noise as it progresses.

7. Good guys take a bullet in the arm or leg and carry on as if it were nothing more than being kissed by a butterfly. Henchmen, though, fall unconscious if pushed hard enough against a wall. Gregory Lyons.

8. Nobody ever has the same first name. Ever. Jerry Mouse.

9. People leaning with their back against a door they’ve just closed. Never ever seen this in real life. Mark Anderson.

10. Any time someone walks into a house and starts talking to the person they assume will be there, that person is dead. Dean Bullen.

11. When you’re a witness or a suspect in a police drama and the police visit you at home or at your place of work to ask you some questions, it’s important to carry on dead-heading flowers, making a fishing-fly, or mending your car while answering. You must never stop what you’re doing until they’ve gone. Robin Houston.

12. The sofa is always in the middle of the room, never against the wall, even in tiny houses (Till Death Do Us Part, Royle Family, Gail Tilsley’s home in Corrie and so on). Solly.

13. Unrealistic survival rates for cardiopulmonary resuscitation in medical dramas – patients make miraculous recoveries more often than not. The real life statistics are grimmer: 20 per cent in hospitals and fewer than 7 per cent outside, said Ellen Frain.

14. It is extremely easy to park in any town or city in the world. You don’t even have to reverse into the space. Philip Cunnington.

15. When things blow up, the speed of sound seems the same as the speed of light. Steve’s Rants.

16. Staring at the telephone after “an abrupt, mysterious or unsatisfactory ending of a call”. David Sutherland. Also, several nominations for phone calls beginning without a “hello” or ending without a “goodbye”.

17. The view through binoculars looks circular, not Venn-diagram shaped. Robert Kaye.

18. If you’re about to be arrested by the police, you run. John Peters. When being chased by a car trying to run you over, you carry on running down the middle of the road, rather than heading for the pavement and seeking the protection of a lamp post, parked car or garden wall, added Marsyas.

19. Any person wanted for a crime who approaches a radio or TV, hears or sees a news report about themselves. Motorist Perkins. Several nominations for apparently random TV bulletins that are relevant to the plot, often turned off when relevance ceases.

20. Locked doors can be barged open. John Peters.

Honourable mention for Paul Martin: “In Terminator 2, after John Connor steals the motorbike (and the huge chase ensues), he accelerates off, changing up a gear at least eight times.”

Next week: Company origins, such as WPP, the advertising company, which started as Wire and Plastic Products, making shopping trolleys

Coming soon: Real people whose names are palindromes

Your suggestions please, and ideas for future Top 10s, to me on Twitter, or by email to top10@independent.co.uk