Sketch: Watching Theresa May try to position herself as more environmentally friendly than Corbyn was uniquely painful

May was accompanied by her own Dr Doolittle, Michael Gove. Having done so much to sabotage the hopes and dreams of Britain’s human population, it is almost touching to behold Gove's efforts to atone for it by applying his customary radical, reformist zeal to the life chances of wild animals

There was no huskie for the Prime Minister to hug, but there were ducks (EPA)

Clouds parted behind the Prime Minister’s head. Mellow sunlight bathed the verdant hills. The rolling pastures glowed green and gold. Down in the village, the church bells might have rung had they been real, and not painted on to a plastic backdrop and stuck against a bare interior wall in a wildlife centre in South West London.

Out the window, a crested grebe, a real one, stared at the horizon. A cormorant went about his day, seemingly unaware that, not twenty yards beyond the end of his beak, the world was being saved.

David Cameron once flew a photographer and reporter to the Arctic Circle so that the world would know how much he wanted to hug-a-huskie. The London Wetland Centre in Barnes is at least nearer, though fauna wise, a duck is about as good as it gets, which does invite a similar three word phrase that Theresa May will hope doesn’t catch on. (Think about it. It’s not ‘canard.)

 

This was meant to be the speech that showed the Conservatives love the environment and love animals. Badger, stoat, weasel, Conservative. One planet. One love.

The Conservatives' very own Dr Doolittle was there, unfortunately not doing very little. St Michael of Assisi. Nature’s first green is Gove, as Robert Frost so nearly wrote. He was wearing his new mint tie again, the one that matches his new disposable coffee cup.

St Michael of Assisi has been Environment Secretary for six months now don’t you know, so it is frankly a wonder that entire cities have not yet been bulldozed to make way for more green belt.

Having done so much to sabotage the hopes and dreams of Britain’s human population, it is almost touching to behold Gove’s efforts to atone for it by applying his customary radical, reformist zeal to the life chances of wild animals.

How long before the nation sees its first academy for owls? The Rehabilitation of Wasps Act 2018 is expected to included a full ban on trapping wasps under pint glasses on hot summer days, which only encourages them to reoffend upon release.

The Prime Minister made unambiguously clear that the environment was A Good Thing.

“Nothing is more emblematic of that natural environment than our trees. A tree is a home to countless organisms, from insects to small mammals,” the Prime Minister said, in words that might have been directly lifted from David Davis’s Brexit impact assessments.

Indeed, the 152 page strategy document contains news of the establishment of “A National Tree Champion.” If the successful candidate needs to actually be made of wood, well the nation may have already found its person.

"The natural environment is around us wherever we are,” she said at one point. “Getting closer to it is good for our physical and mental health and our emotional and spiritual wellbeing.”

Indeed it is, though arguably not when it compels you to call a snap general election. She attempted this joke herself in the Q and A at the end with her customarily easy manner. Outside, perhaps in sympathy, it’s possible a grey heron could be heard vomiting half digested worms into the mouths of its children.

We also found out that the May garden also contains “A bird box, a bat box and a barn owl box.”

It’s a tough ask, this. Modernisation is a job a party traditionally does while in opposition, not in government. Creeping back in the direction of 2018 with everyone watching is a perilous task, and it’s not one that’s made any easier by taking a moment to “pay tribute to the Daily Mail”, albeit for its now successful campaign on microbeads.

For all Jeremy Corbyn’s faults, there surely can’t be anyone in the country who can doubt his green credentials. This particular battle is unwinnable. You didn’t need your binoculars to work out you were looking at a lame duck.