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The Top 10: Chapter Titles
From Jonathan Swift to Ian Fleming, here are some of the best headings to grace the inside of books
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Richard Morris suggested this one, nominating number six. In chronological order...
1. “Digression in Praise of Digressions”, section 7, A Tale of a Tub, Jonathan Swift, 1704. “Includes instructions to cut the chapter out and put it somewhere else in the book if you prefer,” said Sam MacAuslan.
2. “I Begin Life On My Own Account, And Don’t Like It”, chapter 11, David Copperfield, Charles Dickens, 1850. Nominated by Xlibris1.
3. “What I Heard in the Apple Barrel”, chapter 11, Treasure Island, Robert Louis Stevenson, 1883. “Just about all of Treasure Island,” said Robert Hutton, who also tried to nominate chapter 3, “The Black Spot” and 27, “‘Pieces of Eight’”.
4. “What I Saw of the Destruction of Weybridge and Shepperton”, chapter 12, War of The Worlds, HG Wells, 1898. Thanks to David Bertram and Private Frazer.
5. “Why I write such good books”, chapter 4, Ecce Homo, Friedrich Nietzsche, 1908. Carl Gardner.
6. “The Piper at the Gates of Dawn”, chapter 7, The Wind in the Willows, Kenneth Grahame, 1908. Which is where Pink Floyd got it from.
7. “In which we Begin Not to Understand”, chapter 1, The Mystery of the Yellow Room, Gaston Leroux, 1908, a good year for them. Another one with several wonderfully named chapters, including “Rouletabille Has Drawn a Circle Between the Two Bumps on his Forehead”, nominated by Matthew Randall.
8. “Skool Food or The Piece of Cod Which Passeth Understanding”, chapter 7 of Down With Skool! Geoffrey Willans, 1953. “Nor do we make lakes of treacle in the poridge or rivers of gravy through the mashed potatoes perish the thort.” Tom Joyce.
9. “He disagreed with something that ate him”, chapter 14, Live and Let Die, Ian Fleming, 1954. Nominated “as a tribute to Roger Moore” by George Bowling.
10. “In Which the Plot, Behaving in Much Manner Of a Soup to which Corn Starch Has been Added, Begins, at Last, to Thicken”, chapter 11, The Phoenix Guards, Steven Brust, 1991. Xlibris1.
No room, then, for “How A Gardener May Get Rid Of The Dormice That Eat His Peaches”, chapter 61, The Count of Monte Cristo, Alexandre Dumas, 1844 (Allan Holloway and Matthew Randall), or, “By Heavens, He Had Better Not!” Chapter 2, The Last Chronicle of Barset, Anthony Trollope, 1867 (David Bertram again), or indeed, “The unconscious imitated by a cheesecake”, chapter 5 of book 2, Cities of the Red Night, William Burroughs, 1981 (Alan Robertson).
Next week: Headlines, such as, “Old McDonnell Has a Plan. He Eyes IOUs” (The Economist)
Coming soon: Greats, either things or people
The e-book of Listellany: A Miscellany of Very British Top Tens, From Politics to Pop is just £3.79. Your suggestions, and ideas for future Top 10s, in the comments please, or to me on Twitter, or by email to top10@independent.co.uk
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