Putin couldn't have poisoned Skripal – the Tories took so much Russian money he'd never have been able to afford poison

Theresa May has already shown how robust she is in opposing Putin. Because after Putin’s opponent Alexander Litvinenko was poisoned, she rejected setting up an inquiry into who did it. But that was different, because back then the Russians were kind poisoners

How dare anyone oppose the Government at this crucial time? We must all get behind them now, as they can be relied on to stand in determined opposition to the Russian menace. This is why the Conservatives have taken £3m in donations from Russian oligarchs since 2010. The plan is to take so much money off them that they’ve none left to spend on poison.

The Tories say that just because the money comes from Russians, it doesn’t mean it’s from supporters of Putin’s regime. This is a fair point. For example, Lubov Chernukhin, wife of Putin’s former deputy finance minister, paid £160,000 to play tennis with David Cameron and Boris Johnson. And I can’t see any reason why we should suspect she was ever a supporter of Putin.

I expect whenever Putin came round to her house, she said, “Hello, Mr Putin – I don’t care what my husband says, I think you should leave the Crimea alone and stop poisoning people and you look a right twat in your portraits, and please put your shirt on. Anyway, now that’s cleared up, would you like a vodka?”

Boris Johnson claims to be leading the world in being tough against the Russians, and this donation proves it. Because although his party took the money, I expect Boris taught Lubov Chernukhin a backhand slice that will usually cause the ball to go out and lose the point, causing humiliation for her and her evil oligarch friends.

This is how determined the Conservatives are – unlike Labour Party MPs, some of whom have even been paid to appear on Russia Today, the traitors. Other people have pointed out that Conservative MPs have received four times as much money for appearances on Russia Today than Labour MPs, but that’s different, because they’ve been on innocent bits of Russia Today, commentating on snooker or presenting a Russian version of Homes Under the Hammer in which a house in the Ukraine is demolished by the army with a giant hammer. Just a bit of frothy daytime TV fun.

Theresa May has already shown how robust she is in opposing Putin. Because after Putin’s opponent Alexander Litvinenko was poisoned, she rejected setting up an inquiry into who did it. Later she explained her decision, saying, “It is true that international relations were a factor in the government’s decision-making.”

But that was different, because back then the Russian government were kind poisoners. Their poison was tasty, with a delicate mix of flavours, grapefruit with a hint of fennel, not like these cruel slapdash types they send to Salisbury who wouldn’t get past the first round of The Great Russian Poison-Off.

Boris Johnson also proved his toughness on Putin by insisting we should carry out air strikes to assist him in Syria. Following a trip to Paris he wrote: “Many French people think the time has come to do a deal with their new friends the Russians, and I think they are broadly right… We should set aside our Cold War mindset.”

This is why he now sounds like Churchill in his unwavering demands for global opposition to Putin. Tomorrow he’ll be even clearer, and pronounce: “It is the duty of all right-thinking supporters of freedom and liberty to join me in standing forthright against the people I insisted we must be friends with. For the time has come to set aside our setting aside of the Cold War mindset, as the only true friends are those who were friends with our enemies until the other day. I hope that’s perfectly clear.”

With similar consistency, the City of London has been resolute over the years, insisting that no matter how much money Putin’s oligarchs may have, their money isn’t welcome in an institution as ethically pure as the British banking system. Our property developers have robustly resisted the temptation to allow any oligarchs to buy hundreds of flats by any rivers, leaving them empty while they wait for the value to rise. Try all day and you won’t think of a single football club that’s been bought by a Russian and flooded with cash so it can buy any player it likes, yet still gets trounced by Barcelona.

When the Soviet Union collapsed, some commentators rejoiced that now Russia was capitalist we had witnessed the “end of history”, and one Conservative theorist told us there would be eternal peace because “no two countries with a McDonalds ever go to war”.

Presumably Boris Johnson and Theresa May denounced these enthusiasts for the new regime as traitors, and at no point saw Putin as an ally, otherwise they would have to now shout in Parliament: “Some people, such as me, were such opponents of decency and democracy that we welcomed this brutal regime. I demand I apologise immediately and tattoo Lizzy Yarnold winning a gold medal in the Winter Olympics on my cheek in ink, to prove I’m not a traitor.”

They might get round to this in a while, but for now the most important thing is to call Jeremy Corbyn a traitor for suggesting the Government gets evidence before launching an international conflict. And you can see their point, because who could ever imagine Britain entering an international conflict on the basis of evidence that turned out to be a bit dodgy?

Even more encouraging are the measured arguments flooding the country, such as, “So you doubt the Government, do you?!? The fact you described Putin every day for 18 years as a filthy despicable megalomaniac homophobic gangster who should be eaten alive by parasitic wasps doesn’t hide the fact you obviously love him and want to marry him, you treacherous Putin-supporting bastard.”

Nevertheless, if this is a new Cold War, at least we’re lucky enough to have people we can trust leading our side: Boris Johnson and Donald Trump.