Global politicians have revealed their New Year's resolutions – and we are safe in their hands

For the first time in half a decade, only nuclear armageddon should stop the UK going a full calendar year with no general election or massively divisive referendum, and that is cause for celebration

Donald Trump’s pledges for 2018 include making sure Mexico pays for Crooked Hillary and locking up the wall (Getty)

And lo, the sun is risen on 2018. And what a year it promises to be.

For the first time in five years we stare down the barrel of twelve long, glorious months that should, please, surely, contain neither a hugely divisive referendum nor general election anywhere on these isles.

The last time we woke on such a dawn, in no particular order: King Richard III was still buried under a car park, Tesco bolognese didn’t say neigh and David Cameron was fully 22 days shy of promising that an in/out referendum on membership of the European Union would be in the Conservative Party Manifesto at the 2015 election.

Of course, all this should be set in the context of the fact that absolutely no one has got a clue what’s going to happen, and even though a general election or referendum of any kind is unlikely, the same cannot ultimately be said for nuclear armageddon – which would be just as bad, if not worse.

But all these things notwithstanding, this really should be the first time in a long time when the political classes can make some meaningful New Year’s resolutions, relatively safe in the knowledge that massive political upheaval might not get in the way. In fact, several of them have been kind enough to share their personal goals for 2018 with The Independent.

Theresa May

Keep it simple, manageable, and achievable. Look at last year’s promises:

Do not call general election;

Strengthen hand in negotiations with Brussels;

Make pensioners use value of home to pay for social care;

Do not let public find out am robot from different planet.

This, looking back, was wildly ambitious. In 2018, maybe just learn one new recipe a month. Read a chapter of your book each night before bed. That sort of thing.

Jeremy Corbyn

Do not mention Brexit ever. So nearly succeeded last year. This year, really can do it.

Remember: there truly are still people out there who don’t know – or pretend not to know – that I’ve been one of the nation’s most uncompromising Eurosceptics for thirty years, and they’re voting for me because they hate Brexit. So keep it up. Don’t give in to temptation. It doesn’t matter what the Tories do. It doesn’t matter if, say, they pretend they’ve done a load of impact assessments that turn out to resemble a nine-year-old’s homework. Just don’t go there. At all. Just let it all slide. Keep tapping in the easy ones. Universal Credit. Homelessness. Etc. Brexit: stay well away.

David Davis

Leave European Union!

Sign free trade deal with Germany!

Climb Mount Everest!

Trek blindfold across the Antarctic!

Leave details to someone else! And climbing. And trekking.

Michel Barnier

Tell British people the truth about how Brexit is going to work, and what’s going to happen, in the hope this is the year some finally listen.

Boris Johnson

Finally don richly deserved mantle of global statesman.

Do not bow to public pressure on not making Nazi analogies about the EU.

Angela Merkel

Strictly in this order:

Form government.

Lead free world (yawn).

Win World Cup (could do job in goal).

Bleed radiator in back bedroom.

Stage toy soldier re-enactment of Franco-Prussian War of 1870-71 in real time.

Something to do with Brexit.

Vince Cable

In no particular order:

Secure exit from Brexit.

Give people meaningful vote on terms of departure from the European Union.

Retire.

Donald Trump

Make big, BEAUTIFUL state visit to Englandland!

Play golf with Queen!

USE CAPS LOCK MORE!

Do not get IMPEACHED

Make Mexico pay for CROOKED HILLARY

LOCK UP WALL

Fire nuclear MISSILE