Michael Gove isn't driven only by personal ambition – he's driven by his wife's personal ambition

It's right that Sarah Vine dictates the terms under which the next Prime Minister stands. After all, she was fairly elected to the important constitutional role of Michael Gove’s Wife

Sarah Vine, wife of Conservative leadership contender and Justice Secretary Michael Gove

The only sensible conclusion we can draw from this week’s events is that we need more Etonians from the Bullingdon Club running the country. All that money on school fees guarantees its pupils emerge with an assured presence – impeccable characters who always make calm rational choices.

Hopefully, Cameron and Boris met up last night over a brandy and agreed, “Hmmm, it only took us a few years between us to wreck Britain, now let’s try somewhere more challenging like China.”

Because, with what’s left, nothing surprises you. Soon it will seem normal to say, “Oh, Bruce Forsyth has become leader of the Liberal Democrats”, and to see Jay-Z is standing for Labour leader with an announcement, “Hey, ya ready for a press statement? I said, ya need a leader that looks regal, done stuff illegal, drives faster than a hunting beagle, so vote for me, not this bitch Eagle.”

The people we have to feel really sorry for are those who voted Leave and now regret it. How were they to know that a vote to Leave would be counted as a vote to Leave?

At least those who blamed all their problems on the EU will feel secure for a week or two. For example, one columnist wrote how delighted they were that we’re no longer bound by EU red tape such as the European Water Directive. This is the body that sets rules on water quality. Now we can rejoice: “At last no puffed-up twat from Brussels can tell me my water can’t be full of maggots. If I want to spend all day writhing on the pan with gastroenteritis because my cup of tea’s dripping with algae and visible globules of sewage I CAN – and I’ll squirt myself red raw until I can’t stand up straight whether some bureaucrat from Frankfurt says I can or NOT.”

It’s also reassuring to note the most prominent Conservatives in the Leave campaign are so reliable, as Gove and Johnson expressed mixed views about the EU until a few weeks ago, and mentioned no sense of distrusting each other until yesterday. How refreshing that our leaders aren’t tied to ideology and instead freely assess each issue on the merits of how it will help their naked sociopathic ravenous personal ambition.

To be fair to Michael Gove, he isn’t just driven by personal ambition, he’s also driven by his wife’s personal ambition. Sarah Vine reportedly sent her husband an email, when Johnson was still a candidate for leader, warning: “We” (she and Gove, that is) have to get assurances from Boris, in order to secure support from the Daily Mail and Rupert Murdoch.

You see, we’ve got our country back. Instead of Britain resting in the hands of unelected bureaucrats from Europe, it’s now ruled by accountable people, such as Rupert Murdoch and Michael Gove’s wife.

It’s reasonable that Vine dictates the terms of the next Prime Minister, as she was fairly elected to the important constitutional role of Michael Gove’s Wife. If the people don’t agree with the way she runs things, they’ll be able to vote her out and elect a new Michael Gove’s Wife.

The current wife will be allowed to stand again in four years, but there are rumours Angela Merkel will put herself forward, and Abbey Clancy, and maybe Boris Johnson, because to anyone who wants to make a real difference, the role of Michael Gove’s Wife offers more power than junior posts such as Mayor of London or President of the United States of America.

By coincidence, one of the newspapers she mentioned as vital in deciding who becomes Prime Minister is the one she writes for. In her latest piece, she complains about the attitude of some people who wanted to remain in the EU, saying, “Everything sunny about human nature was sucked out of the atmosphere by them and drenched in bitterness.” So maybe we should all get together through the summer to dance round a maypole and scream, “I want my country back”, before painting pictures of refugees and declaring they’ve brought us to “breaking point” to bring back all that’s best in sunny human nature.

As part of her battle against bitterness, before the last election Sarah Vine wrote about Justine Miliband, wife of Ed. She said that, from looking at her kitchen, “Justine Miliband is like an alien, there’s no home-making, she’s too busy sticking to feminist principles… they don’t even have a half-decent set of curtains.” Prose like that, when you read it, is like opening the windows and letting the sunny side of human nature roll all over you.

The most endearing thing about the joint bid of Sarah Vine, the Daily Mail and Rupert Murdoch to be Prime Minister is they won’t be bogged down in detail – Michael Gove will see to that nonsense, leaving them to run the country. This seems fair because, if there was one important conclusion from the Leveson Inquiry, it was that the Daily Mail and Rupert Murdoch should be granted more power than ever before.

But maybe the obsession with who takes over which party is tittle-tattle because the current chaos in British politics is part of a long-term trend. For decades the dominant idea in society, supported by both Labour and the Conservatives, has been that every question facing us should be answered by the demands of big business. No coherent opposition to this has won effective support, but now there is immense fury at the consequences of this form of rule – against insecurity and the housing shortage, against food banks and useless railways. Many blame tax-dodging billionaires, many blame immigrants, and many blame both. The result is that the base of Labour and the Tories is crumbling.

And all we can say for certain in this muddle is that sport has never so perfectly reflected our society: three days after we asserted ourselves as a mighty nation that doesn’t need anyone else because we are GREAT, we lose to sodding Iceland.