Kathy Burke hates ‘hanky-panky’? Good on her – sex isn’t for everyone

While her choice to remain single might not be for everybody, it’s a damn sight better than choosing to be with someone because you feel like you have to, writes Ryan Coogan

How many of us are going through the motions, hitching our wagon to somebody because we feel like we’re supposed to? (Getty Images)

Have you ever met one of those couples that just make you think to yourself “wow, these two should not be together”?

How about one of those couples that makes you think “wow, these two should not be together, and they should also be kept away from the rest of society in separate, hermetically sealed rooms so they don’t accidentally end up with anybody else”?

Honestly, I find that to be the case with most couples I meet. Not all of them, mind you, but definitely more than half. Sometimes it feels as though the vast majority of human relationships I encounter only exist to fulfil some abstract societal obligation, instead of, you know, love.

Kathy Burke touched on this in the latest episode of her podcastWhere There’s A Will, There’s A Wake. Speaking to Alan Carr, the Kevin & Perry star revealed that she has not “been with anyone for years” because, according to her, “the only point in being with someone… is hanky-panky”.

“I went off hanky-panky a long time ago,” she added. “What’s the f***ing point of having some hairy-a*** geezer in the bed?”

Good for Burke. While her choice to remain single might not be for everybody, it’s a damn sight better than choosing to be with someone because you feel like you have to. Like there’s some secret council of relationship elders keeping tabs on all of us, ready to strike us down if we go more than six months without permanently attaching ourselves to another person.

What’s even more refreshing is her attitude towards sex. Now, more than at any point in my lifetime, society’s attitude to sexuality is more at odds than it ever has been: voyeurs in the streets, puritans in the sheets. We’re bombarded with the same overtly sexual imagery we’ve been getting since the 90s, but it all comes with a sterile, clinical detachment that makes it not fun anymore.

Hollywood is casting the most attractive people alive to star in its blockbusters, but forbids them from anything more than a chaste kiss. People online are more willing than ever to discuss their predilections and kinks, but they only ever seem to do so with the air of a HR seminar. Cardi B released a song called “Wet A** P****”, and all anybody wanted to talk about was what a huge step forward it was for feminism. Important? Sure. Boring? Undoubtedly. This is not the future Sir Mix-a-Lot fought for.

No wonder Burke doesn’t want to be a part of it. She’s saying the quiet part aloud, the thing we all know but won’t admit: sex is over. It’s passé. We’re done with it. Pack up your edible underwear and fluffy handcuffs, we won’t need them where we’re going.

There’s an expectation that we a) shouldn’t be alone, and b) should want to get down and dirty, if not for ourselves, then for the propagation of the human race. It takes a lot of courage to stand up, look Alan Carr straight in the eye, and say proudly: nah. Not for me. Thanks, but no thanks.

We could definitely stand to learn a thing or two from her. How many of us are going through the motions, hitching our wagon to somebody because we feel like we’re supposed to? Or worse, because we’re afraid of what life might be like if we don’t? How many of our views on relationships have been laundered by schmaltzy romantic comedies and “will they, won’t they” plot hooks in sitcoms?

We shouldn’t be afraid of being alone. Burke isn’t. She’s found more success than most people by setting her own course and doing her own thing. It may seem a little eremitic, or even selfish; but there’s nothing more selfish than dragging somebody else into your half-baked notion of what life is “meant” to look like.