If you don’t think Jeremy Corbyn can win this election then you’re a Tory

Come forward, neoliberal traitors, and show yourselves

Jeremy Corbyn delivers a stump speech to Labour activists in Croydon (PA)

Now Theresa May has called a snap general election, we on the left have a fantastic opportunity ahead of us: to go forward, united as one, and finally expose who has been a secret Tory this whole time.

For there should be no doubt. If you’re unsure about Jeremy Corbyn, you are a Tory. You can say you still support Labour all you want, but if you don’t think he can beat Theresa May in June, the writing's on the wall, and it says: you are a paid-up member of the Conservative party.

So come forward, red Tories, and show yourselves. Prepare to be justly trolled. For it is time to be re-educated on why you’re wrong, and why Corbyn will triumph in June. For the traitors among you who don’t support him, feel free to disagree. It’s a free country, after all – unless you get your way, you Blairite scum.

Here's a blueprint for Corbyn success, and if you're on board then I suggest you follow it. Number one: ignore the polls. When a “poll” recently asked who would make the best prime minister, Theresa May got 50 per cent, and Jeremy Corbyn got 13 per cent. Meanwhile, “don’t know” received 36 per cent. Elsewhere, the Tories are beating Labour by 21 points. But if recent events have taught us anything, it’s that these polls have no idea what they’re talking about.

What about Brexit? The polls got it wrong then, didn’t they? OK, so there was one published by The Independent with two weeks to go before the EU referendum that put Leave on 53 per cent and Remain on 47 per cent. And there were a few others that were also close. In fact, lots of polls actually showed it was going to be close. But that was just a fluke.

Which brings us to another way Corbyn can win: the media. Like the polls, they know nothing. If you listen to what passes as our press in this country, it will probably sound like Corbyn has no media strategy and repeatedly refuses to talk to the press. But this is what the press will say when a Labour leader refuses to play their game; they’ll just vindictively fill in the blanks. There's nothing you can do, except wholeheartedly support Corbyn and radical change.

The media also says Corbyn is incompetent, and can’t control his own party. But that’s Labour's fault – the MPs, they can’t control themselves. How is that Corbyn’s problem? It’s like the most basic rule of parenting: if your children are misbehaving and calling you names, it’s their fault. You should never compromise with them. Kick them out the house. They’re probably secret adults anyway.

The press will do anything to get the Tories elected, and at any cost. They’ll even pretend to be against Government policies, and savage tax hikes on the self-employed, just to make people think they’re impartial. But we all know their game (apart from the Morning Star).

No, you shouldn't believe what journalists say – however, I'll concede that their tactics have had some influence. Their bias against Corbyn has managed to poison many people’s minds against him. Now me, I’m an independent-minded, well-educated sort of guy. I can tell when the right-wing press (and yes, that includes The Guardian) are at their dirty tricks again. But what about the masses who aren’t as discerning as I am? How will they be able to distinguish between fact and spin? It’s not like they can read up on Corbyn in their spare time, or make up their own minds.

It comes down to this: you're either for Corbyn, or you're a Tory. You either loyally support the leader in everything he does, or you're an apologist for the benefit-sanctioning, child-starving, disability-hating monsters known as the Conservative party. You can’t say “I support Labour values but question the leadership and can’t see a path to victory”. Because Corbyn is Labour values, and no-one else who may do better in the polls can represent them. How is that not clear by now?

You may still campaign for your local Labour MP, but if you're not on board with Corbyn, you should save yourself some time. If you're so obsessed with winning, go and suck up to Theresa and the Bullingdon boys, and join in with their cackling as they dismantle the NHS.

Do you have any questions? If so, then it should be pretty clear what you need to do by now: find another outlet. Labour doesn't need your political campaigning, a.k.a whingeing. Go and join the other Tories who have cast doubts on the leadership, like Owen Jones, George Monbiot, Zoe Williams, various left-wing economists, and Paul Mason. The country will be better off when you just accept how very right-wing you really are.