If Gorilla Glue Girl had been in my biology class, none of this would have happened

When Tessica Brown ran out of Got2B hairspray, she reached for the Gorilla Glue. Perhaps I could have helped

Tessica Brown concludes that Gorilla Glue is a bad product for one’s hair (TikTok)

I don’t remember much from my school biology lessons. There was the cucumber and the latex and the effect this has on photosynthesis. But there is one thing I have never forgotten. My teacher told the class – and I really am sure of this – that we should never, under any circumstances, use Fairy liquid instead of shampoo on our hair. Not, I don’t think, on the official AQA syllabus but excellent advice nevertheless. He didn’t elaborate but we were left with the impression that something terrible had happened. Or would happen.

There have been times, mostly at university, when my resolve was tested. No Timotei. Go to the kitchen sink or stay here? Stay here or go to the kitchen sink? Sense always prevailed and for that, if not much else, I have my biology teacher to thank.

Sadly, Tessica Brown was not in my biology class. If she had been, the last few weeks of her life might have been different. For if Tessica Brown had been in my biology class, it’s hard to imagine she would have applied Gorilla Glue to her hair. Because let me tell you, when you are wary of washing up liquid and what it might do to your scalp, you do not go near an adhesive spray described by the manufacturer as “heavy duty”. You avoid at all costs a product, which promises to form “a clear, permanent bond that is moisture resistant”.

But Tessica Brown – or Gorilla Glue Girl, as she is now better known – was not in my biology class. What chance did she really have? She had not been warned. So when, in this already damned year, she ran out of Got2B hairspray, she reached for the Gorilla Glue to see if that would hold her hair in place. And here’s the thing: it worked. I mean, it really, really worked. Consider Tessica Brown’s hair held in place.

We know all this about Tessica Brown because she recently released a video on TikTok, which has been watched more than 20 million times. It makes for pretty harrowing viewing. A single shot horror film. The Hair Switch Project.

Tessica Brown looks straight down the camera, explains what she has done and then adds, perhaps a little unnecessarily, that it was a “bad, bad, bad idea”. She slaps her slicked down hair and might as well be slapping a bowling ball. “It don’t move, you hear what I’m telling you? It don’t move.” Not even after 15 washes. Moisture resistant, remember? I hesitate to ask but would Fairy liquid do the trick?

@im_d_ollady

Stiff where????? Ma hair 🤬🤬

♬ original sound - Tessica Brown

Mercifully, Tessica Brown did not have to go that far. She was saved by social media. Her predicament was shared and commented upon so extensively, it was only ever a matter of time before the lifeboat arrived. And so it proved. Earlier this week, Tessica Brown travelled from Louisiana to Los Angeles to see a plastic surgeon called Dr Michael Obeng, who had offered to sort out her little issue.

As far as I can tell, this meant giving Tessica Brown a $12,500, four-hour blow dry. TMZ have the exclusive on this – we tried, but it was a bidding war – and revealed yesterday that Dr Obeng had used a mix of aloe vera, olive oil and acetone. Oh, and medical grade adhesive remover. Nearly forgot that bit.

Whatever – it was a success. “The surgery went well,” Dr Obeng told TMZ. “She had a lot of irritation on the scalp [...] because of all of the chemicals that she has put in, and the hair was actually very, very tough, very, very matted down, and it would not lift up. She’s very, very lucky that she did not sustain a lot of injury to her scalp.”

You might have thought that Gorilla Glue would be a bit put out by all this. Heavy duty, eh? Pass me the aloe vera. But they were, in fact, gracious enough to send good wishes to Tessica Brown. “We are very sorry to hear about the unfortunate incident that Miss Brown experienced using our Spray Adhesive on her hair,” the statement reads. “We are glad to see in her recent video that Miss Brown has received medical treatment from her local medical facility and wish her the best.” Hear, hear!

It’s tempting with these sorts of heartwarming stories to try and draw grand conclusions. The power of the internet. The kindness of strangers. The thoroughgoing decency of Beverly Hills plastic surgeons. But this, I fear, is not the time for loftiness. Let us not lose sight of the fact that, at its heart, this is a story about Tessica Brown, a woman who applied Gorilla Glue to her hair.

And when you put it like that, the only lesson – the only real takeaway – is this: it is not a good idea to put Gorilla Glue in your hair. But you knew that anyway, didn’t you? Or were you not in my biology class, either? I worry for this world, I really do.