The rules to giving compliments? It's a real minefield

There's a difference between 'Nice trousers, I love that colour', and 'Nice trousers, they really show how firm your thighs are...'

Sometimes, as a columnist, it is dangerously easy to misjudge the mood. Not just of readers, or below-the-line online commentators, but sometimes one's own colleagues and friends. Last week, for example, I thought it was a safe bet when I offered to write this column about wolf-whistling. Prue Leith had just said in an interview on London Live that "nobody whistles [at a woman] after the menopause", while Jo Brand complained to the Question Time audience that "[women] get abuse shouted at us from white vans … I've had loads". Not for the first time, I suggested writing about how men should be encouraged to keep their opinions on women's looks to themselves.

Then a colleague piped up. "Since I turned 40," she said, "I'm quite flattered when I get the odd wolf-whistle." Another said, "I'm not often whistled at, but I have had people tell me to 'Cheer up, love, it might never happen'." As I was about to agree how annoying that is, a male colleague said, "I say that to people, I think it shows empathy." Then another confessed that he's afraid to say anything nice about anyone's appearance for fear of seeming to be on the pull. The word "minefield" was used. So, "Just write about the rules of compliments", they told me, making it sound that simple.

Debrett's Modern Manners is helpful up to a point. "Only offer genuine compliments," it advises. "Don't over-compliment" and "stick to specifics". A wolf-whistle, I would suggest, is not specific, unless the recipient is a trained sheepdog. On the other hand, leaning out of a van of any hue and shouting "nice tits, gorgeous" is too specific by half. If you feel compelled to drive away giggling after paying a "compliment" like this, instead of sticking around to hear the reply, chances are you know in your heart that you didn't really mean to flatter. If you're still in doubt, ask yourself if you would "compliment" your boss or your mother like that.

At this point, some men will ask, "But how can I ever approach a woman if she's just going to call it sexual harassment?" The answer is that it is quite easy to give a genuine compliment to anyone. Recently, as I was walking down the street, a man packing up his (blue) van said, "You look nice", and I said "thanks" as I walked on by. It was daylight on a busy road and he didn't pursue it when I carried on walking. Maybe in different circumstances I'd have stopped for a chat. Maybe we'd be married now.

On the other hand, when I was younger I was followed down a dark side street by a man who kept saying, "You're sexy, where are you going?" and then became aggressive when I hurried back to a well-lit main road. See the difference?

Similarly, if I am walking down the street with Grumpy Resting Face Disorder and a stranger gives me a big smile, I usually smile back. However, if a stranger orders me to "smile", I am inclined to reciprocate by giving them another instruction in return.

As ever, context is everything. Or, as Debrett's puts it in another section: eye contact is good in a job interview or to get served at a bar; not good "in a sauna, shower or other gym situation". Too right. It's hard to provide rules for giving a compliment, therefore, because potential contexts are infinite.

For instance: there's telling a colleague that she looks well when she's just come back from holiday and you're chatting in the canteen; then there's telling a colleague that she looks well when you've just invited her to a one-to-one meeting about her departmental budget, closed the door and stared at her bum. There's asking your sister if she's lost weight when you know that she's been trying to diet since last Christmas; then there's asking your niece if she's lost weight when you haven't seen her since last Christmas and you have no idea if she's been suffering from dysentery/misery/anorexia. There's "Nice trousers, I love that colour"; and then there's "Nice trousers, they really show how firm your thighs are …"

I think that most people can tell the difference. If you can't, then err on the side of caution and never give anyone a compliment. If you just don't care, then don't come running to me when you get punched in the face or sacked.

To be fair, there is also a duty on the complimentee to accept a well-meant compliment kindly. If being told that your new haircut looks nice makes you boil with fury, you might want to ask yourself what you're really angry about. If an old friend repeatedly calls you "love" or "darling", it would be generous to assume that he means to be affectionate, not patronising.

And if you can answer a compliment with one in return, how lovely.

The problem with wolf-whistling is that there is no way to respond that isn't embarrassing or awkward for the person being whistled at. So my advice would be: don't do that. Not unless you're in your white van and you drive past my colleague, or Prue Leith, or a sheepdog. They love that kind of thing. I just can't tell you why.

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