Election 2015: The SNP and its SMC (Salmond-Murdoch Conspiracy)

The love between them dared not speak its name until 2012, when Salmond was forced to reveal the extent of his relationship with the media overlord

(Rex)

Whatever mayhem awaits, be at peace at least about this. Even if Ed Miliband wins, Rupert Murdoch will be fine.

Not long ago, the old sweetheart was in such a state about Labour’s intent to reduce his media market share that he flew in on his bespoke 747 and ordered The Sun’s editor to ramp up the flaying of Miliband.

Yet his reading of the threat suggests another episode of the transient amnesia (technically Ernest Saunders Syndrome by Proxy) that typified Rupert’s select committee appearance in 2011. What he specifically forgot is that Alex Salmond is a dear, dear friend who will ensure the SNP kill any such legislation by voting against it en masse. Nicola Sturgeon may be the official party leader, but can you picture Alex meekly taking instruction from a one-time protégé as to how his MPs vote on a matter so close to his bestie’s heart?

The love between them dared not speak its name until 2012, when Alex was pressured into releasing documents relating to the dozens of meals and other trysts he had shared with Rupert, his son James and various executives. According to James, Alex even offered to lobby Jeremy Hunt, then the media secretary, in favour of their plan to take a 100 per cent stake in BSkyB. Alex later described Rupert as “a remarkable man”, while in a tough, no-nonsense counterstrike Rupert tweeted that Alex is “clearly the most brilliant politician in UK”. A Murdoch publishing house recently paid lavishly for Alex’s book about the campaign for independence, which Rupert flirted with supporting and now correctly predicts is inevitable.

One could continue the ascent up Scratchmyback Mountain to last week’s apex, when Murdoch’s Scottish Sun came out for the SNP, but why flog an equine corpse? Whether the two have a formal agreement, or whether they have reached a tacit understanding as lovers do, Alex Salmond would use his SNP voting block to stop a Labour government limiting Rupert Murdoch’s market share. His business is secure thanks to the only extremely civil partnership between a newspaper baron and a political leader to have flourished since phone-hacking. The curiosity is that this blatant example of rank SNP opportunism is the only one the Tories and their media supporters have managed to overlook.

Cameron’s dose of (Red) Bull

Blimey, that David Cameron ain’t ’alf pumped up. The PM seemed to have prepped for a typically searching Mail on Sunday interview with a dozen cans of Red Bull and a study session reading the Compendium of Rejected EastEnders Scripts. Nicola Sturgeon is “bonkers” and “would eat Miliband for breakfast, lunch and tea”. Little Ed’s promise not to form a pact with her is “pulling a fast one – as big a fast one as Jesse James meets the OK Corral meets Shane” (what the hell’s he on about there?). As for Russell Brand, he “talked a load of cobblers” in the Miliband pow wow. The PM sounds as convincing as the Rada-trained actor yelling: “Clear orf you kids before I fetch ya one across the lughole,” at urchins in a 1950s sub-Ealing comedy. “Sometimes it’s been frustrating that my full name is ‘Old Etonian David Cameron’, but I am who I am, and I’ve never tried to change it.” No cobblers about that. Never has he been the only man in a lounge suit at an aristo wedding just to avoid appearing in the papers wearing his tails. Not often, anyway.

Balls’ bouncing cheques

Three days to go, and still Ed Balls hasn’t imploded the Labour campaign. What we hope was his last media appearance may, in fact, have done it a bit of good. In a noble attempt to counterbalance the sycophantic tone of its Cameron interview, the Mail on Sunday reports that Balls’ cheque for £150 to a north London glazier bounced twice. Less sophisticated titles would have used this to cast doubt on Balls’ fitness to be Chancellor. You know, because managing a £2 trillion economy and knowing if your current account is in the black are the same. But since the MoS’s raison d’etre is to empathise with the financially squeezed middle classes, I was touched by the story’s subliminal messaging. If you want the Balls-Cooper income raised to the tune of two Cabinet salaries, vote Labour and spare the glaziers of Islington the grief.

The Barnacle Stratagem

By way of trialling their imminent tactic of clinging to power regardless of any ability to form a stable government (the Barnacle Stratagem), senior Tories warn Labour against going to law to prise them out. Chris Grayling, the Lord Chancellor who regards his lack of any legal training as such an asset in his work, tells the Sunday Telegraph: “There’s absolutely nothing Ed Miliband won’t do to try and hustle his way into Number 10. I’ve no doubt that if there’s some cynical legal manoeuvres to try, he’ll not shy away from doing so – but he should rule it out now.” He absolutely should. This notion of hiring lawyers to examine the Fixed Term Parliaments Act to discover whether it allows a vote of no confidence to be brought quickly after an inconclusive result is outrageous. The paramount purpose of any law, as Grayling understands, is to raise the question of why in sanity’s name whoever put it on the statute book – in this case, the Conservatives – wasted all that time and money passing it in the first place.

Those oh so supple Tories

Assuming the political landscape is as confused at the end of this week as it is today, let me jump the gun by congratulating all those Tory politicians and newspapers who fanatically supported the first past the post electoral system until 4.33am on Friday 8 May 2015, at which point they jettisoned this deeply held article of constitutional faith in favour of squatters’ rights. In political times as uncertain as these, you cannot put a price on suppleness of mind.

Twitter: @MatthewJNorman