From crossword clues to crossed swords

We started a small collection of modern murder tales on Wednesday, and here are a couple more fatal fables, the first one being called:

1. DEATH BY DICTIONARY

Ralph had got on the London train at Bristol and sat down to do the crossword. He had got the first clue before they had even left Temple Meads. "A prize for exhaustion (7)", said 1 Across. A prize for exhaustion... Ah! Atrophy! He felt very pleased with himself. He had done quite a lot more by Swindon, and most of it before Reading, and by the time he decided to go to the loo, passing through Slough, he had done it all. All except one clue. Why was it that you so often did a whole crossword, all except for one clue? He stared at it again.

"An entire dream goes out to sea." (13)

Thirteen letters.

An entire dream. All vision? Whole nightmare?

Or was it some sort of anagram?

He decided to take a break from crosswords and go to the loo. He lurched along the rocking carriage, found a vacant toilet, spent his rocking penny, and came back. He found his table again, and sat down, drawing the crossword towards him. To his horror, he realised that someone had filled in the last clue while he had been away. It said: "Mediterranean".

One half of his brain said, "Yes, very good. So it was an anagram of An Entire Dream". The other half said, "When I find what bastard has done this to me, I will kill him...".

"Sorry, mate" said the man sitting opposite, "but I was having a look at your paper while you were away and I couldn't resist."

They found the man later, dead on the tracks at Paddington. Ralph was arrested and tried. Ten out of the 12 jury members were crossword fans. He was acquitted.

Moral: Nerds of a feather flock together.

Now for our other tale of modern mayhem, entitled:

2. A WORLD DERNIERE

Sometimes, there are scandals in the enclosed world of Hollywood, when one man makes off with another's wife, and sometimes there are scandals in the enclosed world of royalty, when it becomes apparent that not all is as it should be in a royal marriage, but it is very rare that the two worlds overlap.

So, when the young Duke of Hampshire fell in love with Susanna Knowles, and she fell in love with him, the papers did not know whether to set their royalty correspondent on to it, or their showbiz team. She was a famous film star, and he was the most good-looking man less than 30 in line to the throne. What made it even more complicated was that he was already married to the Duchess of Hampshire, and she, Susanna Knowles, was already legendarily married to a Hollywood hunk called Tom Chase.

The papers loved it.

"Duchess of Hampshire in love rumours", said the stuffy Times.

"Hants in his Pants", said a less stuffy tabloid.

What made it all the more exciting was that the hunky husband, Tom Chase, had recently made a Hollywood blockbuster called To The Rainbow And Back, which was about to be premiered in London. And the premiere was to be graced by none other than the Duke of Hampshire. Would the royal lover and the Hollywood cuckold come face to face? And if so, what would they find to say to each other?

And lo, it came to pass that the cast of To the Rainbow and Back did line up in the foyer of the Odeon, Leicester Square, and the Duke did pass along the line shaking hands. And when the Duke came to Tom Chase, the cuckolded Tom Chase bowed slightly, stepped forward, shot the Duke through the heart, and then legged it.

He didn't get far. Almost as if expecting it, some policemen caught him at the exit from the cinema and took him away.

The Duke was taken away on a stretcher, and newspapers the world over got out their royal obituaries.

As it turned out, they weren't needed. He wasn't dead. Nor indeed was he the Duke of Hampshire. He was just a man who looked very like him. And Tom Chase was also a lookalike. It had all been arranged by the film company for publicity. Which they got a lot of. Even if not many people actually went to see To the Rainbow and Back, which turned out to be a dreadful film.

Moral: All's fair in love, and war, and PR.