Bonus Top 10: Twitter Jokes

A bonus Top 10 to add to my collection. As an ‘added bonus’ (which is usually a tautology but not in this case), there are 18 of them

Half of them are from the wonderful Moose Allain. Follow him. Buy his stuff. Pledge to support his book.

1. Are we being treated like a bunch of bells? We should be told. Moose Allain.

2. ‏There’s a new helpline for that condition. If you’re suffering they’ll ring you. Richard Nurse.

3. “I don’t mean to sound unsympathetic but I am, so it comes over like that.” Marcus Brigstocke, via Lee “Budgie” Barnett.

4. Which idiot called it a nose job and not updating your profile? Moose Allain.

5. ‏I never accidentally replace words with names of apes, except when I'm tweeting, obviously. That’s a gibbon. Cluedont.

6. I swallowed some caterpillars a few weeks ago, yet only now am I starting to feel nervous about it. Moose Allain.

7. ‏Oh blast, I've forgotten the word for one of the administrative divisions of the Soviet Union. David Mills.

8. I thought the Sheep Signal had gone up to summon the help of Sheepman, but it was just a cloud. Moose Allain.

9. Heuristics is my favourite chain of Liverpool-based hair salons. Jake Goretzki.

10. Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end. Moose Allain.

11. Lorry carrying a shipment of Orange liqueur has shed its load on the motorway. Now there’s a cointreau flow. Peter A Russell.

12. Pheasant breeders need to raise their game. Moose Allain.

13. Pitt would have been diametrically opposed to TTIP. David Mills. ‏

14. We got a watchdog recently. Absolute rubbish, it has no idea what time it is. Moose Allain.

15. My review of the Sun:

One star.

Timmy.

16. “I wasn’t allowed to stay up and watch the EU treaty negotiations in 1991.”

“Maastricht?”

“She was a bit.”

Moose Allain.

17. What is precise and sounds like a carrot?

Accurate.

Chris Heaton-Harris. ‏

18. Beethoven has spent the years since his death decomposing. Moose Allain.

“Added bonus” should have been in my Top 10 Tautologies. My book, Listellany: A Miscellany of Very British Top Tens, from Politics to Pop, is still available as an e-book for just £3.79, or hardcover for £9.98.