The Salea Greed party?

Another false dawn, I fear, in my quest to find a property. I have fallen foul of a severe case of mistaken identity. This unfortunate misunderstanding stems from my own tried-and-tested housing market barometer which is based on the number of "For Sale" signs protruding from the hedgerows of suburban Britain.

I have established that the more signs you must negotiate as you wander the streets of London, the more properties there are for sale. It may not be as scientifically impressive as a seasonally adjusted inflation linked national index, but it works.

So you can imagine my delight in recent weeks at the rash of new signs which have sprung up all over Richmond. More importantly, the properties were all being sold by two new estate agents under the name of Jenny Tonge and Jeremy Hanley respectively.

This was most encouraging. As you will be aware, my biggest problem in my mission to become a man of property has been the absence of property. It struck me that if two new firms were prepared to enter what had been such a barren market then things must be looking up.

I shared this news with an acquaintance as we supped our weekly half pint of bitter in the snug bar of the Fount of All Knowledge. He is what is known as an old hand or, in my parlance, a bit of a know-it-all. The long and the short of it was that Mr Smug in the Snug pointed out that Ms Tonge and Mr Hanley were in fact parliamentary candidates.

"What then," I asked, "does the Salea Greed party believe in?"

"The Salea Greed Party?"

"Yes: a candidate called Barnard Marcus says on his board that he represents the Salea Greed party."

Mr Smug cackled. "You buffoon. That says Sale Agreed, Barnard Marcus is an estate agent."

"What is the difference between an estate agent and a parliamentary candidate?"

He looked at me.

"I don't know. What is the difference between an estate agent and a parliamentary candidate?"

I assured him that this was not some music hall anecdote and did not have a punchline. However, it set us thinking.

We agreed that elections only come around once every four or five years - a bit like housing booms, really.

We also agreed that candidates make promises they cannot keep but so do estate "we'll find somewhere for you" agents.

Parliamentary candidates are always ramming unwanted bits of paper through your door full of useless information. So are estate agents. We concluded that there was no difference between them. I have therefore decided to write to both Ms Tonge and Mr Hanley and suggest that in the event of a dead heat, the losing candidate keeps their hand in by immediately becoming an estate agent.

This could be a defining moment in the housing market if all the runners- up became estate agents and all houses sporting political signs were put immediately on the market.

But then I realised there was a flaw in my thinking. For, while the political estate agents would be keen on putting signs up, they would be reluctant ever to take them down. Houses would be put up for sale but not sold until after the next election.

"Unless of course you called your party the Salea Greed party," I said.

"Time to get you home," said Mr Smug.