Speech therapy

Anticipointment getting you down? Fed up with belligerati and jaded by intaxication? But don't be a stress puppy, it could just be the tip of the ice cube. Allow Mark Wilson to guide you through the very best of 2003's neologisms. What's not to love?

Affluenza

Stress induced by the pursuit of riches

(Dining) Al desko

Lunching at your desk

Alpha-geek

IT specialist; only person to understand the office computer system

Anonymouse

Person who sends information anonymously, particularly out of fear of retribution; pl. anonymice

Anticipointment

The feeling that high expectations are about to be dashed

Apple-Z

The desire to undo what you just did - from the "undo" keystroke on an Apple Mac keyboard (eg "As soon as I'd said I was quite partial to Cliff Richard's Christmas hits I just wanted to Apple-Z"). See also "Ohno-second"

Arachnerd

Person who spends too much time surfing the net or fussing over their home page

ASAFP

Even more urgent than "As soon as possible"

Bare

A large quantity (eg "There were, like, bare crowds at the Rugby World Cup parade in central London")

Beer scooter/ compass/ coat

Method of getting home/ assessing location/ keeping warm while under the influence, usually in the early hours of the morning (eg "I woke up with a raging hangover in my own bed so I guess I must have come home on the beer scooter")

Belligerati

Writers and other members of the intelligentsia who advocate war (see especially Christopher Hitchens' 2003 book Regime Change)

Blamestorming

A meeting to choose a scapegoat (eg "After we lost the account, we blamestormed for a couple of hours and everyone apart from Lisa in marketing felt much better")

Bluejacking

Hijacking another person's mobile phone by sending it an anonymous text message using Bluetooth radio networking

Circle the drain

To be on the brink of complete failure

Chugger

Charity mugger. Clipboard toting compassionista seeking signatures and bank details on the high street

Churnover

The excessive buying and selling of shares by a stockbroker for a client's account as a method of generating income from the resulting commissions

Croydon facelift

The "style" adopted by women who wear their hair so tightly scraped back that it simulates a plastic surgeon's tuck

Decapitation strike

Military attack designed to kill the enemy's leaders or knock out their ability to communicate with their troops and thus shorten a conflict

Decruitment

Redundancies (eg "The company's on a big decruitment drive this quarter, so it's time to dust off the old CV")

Digital hygienist

Person employed to vet employee e-mails for obscene jokes and complaints about the boss

Dogging

Exhibitionist sex in semi-secluded locations such as car parks or country parks; an extension of "swinging" parties. Venues often advertised on the web or via text messaging

Dr Know

Office smartarse

Duppie

Depressed urban professional; a person who once had a high-status or high-paying job and must now work in a menial or lower paying job

Embed

Insert journalist into a military unit to provide coverage during a war; may be used pejoratively to imply biased reporting

Emo

Musical genre characterised by guitar-driven sound and melodic, emotional tunes

Farrelytic

Drunker than an Irish film star

Fauxmosexual/ pomosexual

One who shuns labels such as heterosexual and homosexual that define people by their sexual preferences. See also metrosexual, retrosexual

Flash mob

A large group of people who gather in a set location, perform a choreographed action or series of actions, and then disperse with no explanation. One of the UK's first took place at the Sofa UK store on Tottenham Court Road, London in August when 200 mobbers were instructed to appreciate the furniture on show and then call a friend on a mobile phone and talk about it without using the letter "o".

Flunkypumpy

Intimate relations with one's servants. See also Happy finish

Giraffiti

Graffiti painted in a high spot

Google

To search using Google, or more specifically, search for someone's name on Google to check their credentials. Also -whack - find a combination of words that produce only one result when typed into Google search; -bomb - setting up a large number of web pages with links that point to a specific site so that the site will appear near the top of a Google search; -dance - the monthly Google recalculation of sites' page ranks, and the best time to put new pages online

Grass ceiling

Invisible barrier to promotion caused by inability to play golf

Grimy/ Heavy

Good; particularly with respect to music

Happy finish

The climactic end to a full-body massage from one's servant. See also Flunkypumpy

Helicopter parent

Mum or dad who hovers over their children

Ignoranus

A person who is both stupid and extremely rude or obnoxious

Imperial overstretch

The extension of an empire beyond its ability to maintain its military or economic commitments (eg Roman in the fifth century, British in the early 20th, US now)

Intaxication

Euphoria at receiving a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money

Intextication

The desire to send text messages when under the influence

Irritainment

Spectacles that are both annoying and compulsively watchable (eg David Blaine's Above the Below)

Irritable male syndrome

Short fuse in men caused by drop in testosterone levels, particularly when brought on by stress

iSpod

Person who won't stop going on about their iPod (eg "It's just amazing that something that small could contain my entire CD collection. And it's so stylish. And the back doubles as a handy mirror, etc etc")

J-Lo

Stocks and shares whose decline bottoms out in a soft, rounded curve

Kippers

Kids in parents' pockets eroding retirement savings. Also Slops - singles living off parents; boomerang kids

Lean

Under the influence of marijuana

Marzipan layer

Level of managers and other senior staff just below the top level of directors or partners

Metrosexual

Foppish narcissist in love not only with himself, but his exquisitely tasteful "lifestyle"; also, a heterosexual man in touch with his feminine side

Militainment

News coverage of, or television shows about, war or the military (eg Fox News, History Channel)

Milt

Mum in leather trousers. Celebrity mother who needs to look good on the school/nursery run (eg Davina McCall, Madonna, Meg Matthews)

Mouse potato

Net-obsessed cousin of couch potato

Nicotini

Nicotine-laced martini.

Ohno-second

Epiphany of failure; or the moment between sending an e-mail and wishing you hadn't. See also Apple-Z

On-roading

Driving a 4x4 on the public highway rather than in a natural location

Ostalgia

Nostalgia for the goods or culture of the former GDR

Palzheimer's

Allow a close friend to drift from consciousness, as a result of the passage of time, lack of time, relocation, a new "friendscape" (field of acquaintances) and/ or changed values

Pedlock

Condition of being so crowded that pedestrians are unable to move easily in any direction (eg "I wish they'd introduce a pedestrian-management system on Oxford Street's pavements. It's pedlock over Christmas.")

Permalancer

Permanent employee kept on a freelance contract to avoid giving them benefits

Phishing

Creating a replica of a Web page, especially that of a financial institution, to fool a user into submitting personal/ password data

Prehab

What you're in before rehab - ie a state of excessive drinking or drugging

Protirement

Retiring or quitting an unattractive job to pursue more fulfilling work or hobbies

Regime change

Ironic reference to a change of leadership, particularly in business, politics or sport

Retrosexual

Person who has relations with ex-partners more than is seemly

Roasting

Team-building pastime of professional footballers in which players take turns to "enjoy" a woman while colleagues look on. See also Dogging

Sars

Severe acute respiratory syndrome

Scam baiting

Teasing an e-mail scam artist - particularly someone running the "Nigerian" fraud scheme - by feigning interest ("Yes I would like the opportunity to inherit $42m simply by sending you a cheque for £57,000") and then persuading the scammer to perform silly or time-wasting tasks

Sitcoms

The fate of most yuppies - single income, two children, oppressive mortgage

Smoke-easy

A place where cigarettes are smoked illegally (especially in New York, where smoking is banned in public)

Spave

Spend money on items that are on sale and save the difference in price; thus, the illusion that you are better off financially than you were before (eg "Those Manolos were reduced from £450 to £300 in the sale, so effectively I made £150 on the deal")

Starter marriage

Short-lived first marriage: no children, no property, no regrets

Stress puppy

Someone who complains about stress but secretly enjoys it

Tip of the ice cube

Visible part of something insignificant (eg "Victoria Beckham's recent outburst was just the tip of the ice cube")

TLA

Three-letter acronym

Tobacco science

Science that is biased, especially toward a particular industry

Toxic bachelor

Unmarried male serial monogamist who is insensitive and commitment phobic

Trolleyology

The study of the correlation between the contents of a person's shopping trolley and that person's personality

What's not to love?

Fashionista seal of approval (eg "Dolphin-grey cigarette pants. Stacked purple-satin heels. What's not to love?")