Happiness at any price: What Christmas gift would you buy for the millionaire in your life?

From a gold-plated bicycle to a decorative piece of driftwood, Paul Bignell has a few suggestions

The Goldgenie golden bike

Most of us will spend the next few days desperately racking our brains, thinking up Christmas gift ideas for loved ones, only to fall back on statement socks and M&S vouchers. But spare a thought for the mega rich who, because they truly have everything, may also be struggling to come up with ideas.

So here's the Independent on Sunday guide to ensuring that those in possession of plenty of noughts but no initiative have a costly Christmas.

Before you start your shopping spree, head to the St Pancras International wine bar in London for a glass of mulled wine at £60 a pop made with the finest ingredients, such as Château des Gravières Bordeaux wine and Lanson Père et Fils champagne.

The sporty rich have only to look as far as the Goldgenie golden road bike. "Sir Bradley Wiggins may have set the gold standard for British cycling," qurgles the press release, "but this is a true work of art."

This piece of Blanc de Blanc jewellery is inspired by champagne

Indeed. And if gold-plating wasn't enough, the gaudy monstrosity will be adorned with diamonds and a "selection of different finishes on the saddle and handlebars, including exotic skins and fine leathers". A snip at £250,000. The company, which will seemingly gold-plate anything, is presumably working on a gilded lamppost to chain the bike against.

Perhaps your fourth wife would like a tasteful piece of jewellery. Nothing says I love your bank account louder than champagne-inspired bling. One Australian company, Wearing Memories, silver-plates traditional champagne bottle caps and turns them into trinkets for several hundred dollars apiece. Even its marketing blurb fizzes with excess: "Some people hear a pop when a champagne bottle is opened. Others hear the sound of happiness." The designer adds: "I only drink quality champagne and, therefore, will only wear quality."

But the award for making money from anything must surely go to the US company Free People for its decorative stick. A piece of driftwood, tied – by hand, mind you – with thread and a gem stone, will set you back a mere $68. For those who truly have everything – apart from sense.