My palace is bigger than yours: An (imagined) transcript of Donald Trump's tea time chat with the Queen

(Yes, Donald, we know this is fake news)

The scene: We find ourselves in the drawing room at Windsor Castle. It is tea time, and the best silverware acquired by the Prince Regent has been deployed, along with the extensive Wedgewood china set given to King George V and Queen Mary, after the old girl dropped a heavy hint at a factory visit to Stoke-on-Trent in 1927...

In attendance: HM the Queen; the Duke of Edinburgh; President Trump; Mrs Melania Trump; Sir Martin Chatterbox, the keeper of the Queen's tupperware; Lord Wensleydale, the page to the toasties; Lady Matilda bake-off, Her Majesty’s jammy dodger pursuivant; the gentlemen ushers of the battenberg cake.

At the last minute, the Prince of Wales has been called away to an ecological emergency in the greenhouse at Highgrove, and is thus unable to lobby the president about the Paris Climate Accord.

The Queen: Ah, Mr Trump, how lovely to see you. How did you enjoy Blenheim yesterday evening?

President Trump: Very much, ma’am. It’s a beautiful, beautiful palace. Well I guess you’d call it a palace… it’s a little small for me, you know. I mean the Trump tower, now that’s a palace, a vertical palace. Blenheim is beautiful, but kinda old. No lifts. No air con. No Coke machine. Everything in England just seems so damn old.

The Queen: Yes, but of course being old isn’t always a disadvantage in life. It was built in the 18th century…

President Trump: I know, I know, the real estate market was way different back then. Very, very different. No planning rules. They were good times in the market.

The Queen: Yes they were. My first prime minister, Winston Churchill, was born there, as you’ll have seen.

President Trump: He was a great leader, a great, great leader, winning that war against Napoleon. Say, whatever happened to Mr Churchill after the war?

The Queen: Well, Sir Winston lost the election to the Labour Party, who started the NHS, and then he came back and accepted everything that the Labour government had done, including immigration from the West Indies and nationalising our great utilities, and the Americans let us have all their nuclear secrets and set up Nato.

The Queen has seen 12 US presidents come and go during her reign (WireImage)

President Trump: Great guy, great guy.

The Queen: How do you like your tea, Mr Trump?

President Trump: Strong, strong and stable. It’s American tea, right?

The Queen: Oh yes, I believe so – though not from Boston. The tea caddy was a gift from the people of Sri Lanka. Sir Martin will bring the sandwiches now. The cook has had some made up especially with New York pastrami, and there’s a choice of bagels… and we’ve prepared these old Rhode Island chlorinated chicken salad sub rolls… They had to come over in the diplomatic bag because the EU doesn’t approve, as you know.

President Trump: Delicious, ma’am. Delicious. Really, really delicious. And you know this is all great American food. And American food is just the best in the world. I told Emmanuel Macron that, and you know what? He agreed! ‘Oui, mon ami, Donald!’ What a guy. You ever met him?

The Queen: Well, yes, he seems like quite an ambitious chap. We hope to see each other again soon, and we also hope to see more American food in the larder here, once the trade deal has been signed. Don’t we, Philip?

The Duke of Edinburgh: What was that? Sausage? I was just showing Melania my new hip. Right as rain now, y’know. She says she might be up for a quick romp round the Windsor Great Park in my horse and carriage… the quack says I can…

Melania Trump: It sounds like fun. He says he is 97 years old – but isn't there an English expression, 'You’re as old as what you feel?"

The Queen: We’re a little busy, Philip. It is a magnificent view isn’t it, Mr Trump?

President Trump: It’s nice, it’s nice. So nice. The trees, the grass, everything. So nice. Could make a good golf course… I’m kidding, well, maybe not...

The Queen: I enjoy the tranquillity of it, and absence of, well, I suppose you’d call it no turmoil.

President Trump: Sure, ma’am, no turmoil in England, no turmoil at all. A very stable country.

The Queen: Yes, just me as constitutional head of state for 66 years now. I keep being reminded of that. You are the 12th president we’ve had the pleasure to meet, and the most genius, obviously. I hope you won’t mind me complimenting you. People in our position have to deal with so much from the media – I think you call it “fake news”. So true. This is a photograph of when President Clinton visited, and here’s one of Mr and Mrs Nixon. They had quite a lot of turmoil, didn’t they?

President Trump: I guess…

The Queen: Well, time is running along, and I believe you’re going to Scotland shortly?

President Trump: I have a place there, sure. I have property all over. Castles, palaces, towers, mansions, the White House…

US First Lady Melania Trump (C) tries her hand at lawn bowls as Philip May (R), husband of British Prime Minister Theresa May, watches on (EPA)

The Queen: We would very much like to entertain you and your family again, and for the state visit we’ve been looking forward to since Mrs May suggested it, quite forcefully as I recall. Before that silly election she organised last year. We almost missed Ascot. We were thinking that there might be an opportunity quite soon for a state visit. Mr and Mrs Reagan so enjoyed their one.

President Trump: Of course, ma’am. Barron, Ivanka and Jared and everyone would love to come here and see all the paintings, the art, the pageantry…

The Duke of Edinburgh: Ivanka? Yes, the more the merrier.

The Queen: Quite, and it would be fitting to celebrate the signing of the US-UK trade treaty with such a happy celebration of our special relationship. Mrs May says that it should be even more lavish than the one that the Obamas had, and I must say I do agree. Your portrait would look especially good in the library, where that dusty old picture of Queen Victoria is, and there is a vacancy in the order of the garter. A knighthood might be a fitting honour for a loyal ally of Britain. ‘Sir Donald Trump’, just like Sir Winston Churchill. Don’t you agree, Mr Trump?

President Trump: Classy. Classy. The best, ma’am, the best. A beautiful, beautiful thing.

The Queen: Yes, a beautiful, beautiful thing. The best.