Pandora: Pound's hot date with high society

Stephen Pound, the shadow Northern Ireland minister

Stephen Pound broke Pandora's heart with his decision not to appear in Westminster's annual variety show earlier this year (previous performances have included a particularly delightful rendition of the Cheeky Girls' "Touch My Bum", for which the tattoo-loving Pound donned a pair of latex hot pants and black wig).

So imagine our excitement to discover the Labour bruiser would be taking to the stage again soon, this time to defend politicians against accusations of economic incompetence.

Intriguingly, the event on 12 May is to be hosted at the chichi Queen's Club, a members-only tennis society where joining fees extend into four-figure territory. It's not, to say the least, Pound's usual stamping ground.

"I'm not a member ," says a defensive Pound when I call. "Oh dear, they don't ban women or anything like that do they? Ah well. I'm doing it for the charity – I'm not just reaching out to a bunch of W14 toffs for the sake of it. I doubt I'll convert many of them to democratic socialism, but it's worth a try."

Heather counts out her enemies

"Everyone Thinks I'm nuts," confessed Heather Mills, in an uncharacteristic moment of clarity over the weekend. "The meat industry hate me, the dairy industry hate me, the Beatle industry hate me, the landmine industry. I have a lot of enemies out there." Curiously, this bleak realisation hasn't stopped the "philanthropist" from continuing to bemoan her lot at the hands of the McCartney family. "I got 5 per cent of what we earned together," she told the audience at a vegetarian road show. "And I worked my butt off doing the tours and everything."

Russell's no cause for complaint

*To the Ofcom offices, where a dozen pairs of hands hovered by the phones as Russell Brand made his radio return on TalkSport on Sunday night. Disappointingly, the comedian's broadcast passed without incident; indeed, not a single caller rang, despite a cameo from Jonathan Ross and an (unsuccessful) attempt to bring Barack Obama on air.

"To be honest, I wouldn't ever have known he was on, the phones were so quiet," remarks one Ofcom insider. "Don't make too much of it though, otherwise you'll set them off again."

Sir Roger picks an unusual fight...

*In what looks certain to become Pandora's favourite celebrity feud of 2009, Sir Roger Moore has, somewhat inexplicably, let fly at the glamour-modelling sensation Katie Price.

"The public only likes her because she's the pair of tits next door," rages the tax-avoiding Bond star, pictured, to the Radio Times.

"Maybe I should have written that my father was a drug addict who raped me. It would sell like Jordan's books."

Quite what has provoked Sir Roger's outpouring of vitriol, we're not entirely sure. From the sound of things, however, it might be a good time for a publishing house to call: "I have scandals too, but I haven't talked about them," he adds, somewhat mysteriously. "I hate gutter journalism." Intriguing.

The mystery of Kate's missing column

*Disturbing news, now, as we hear that Kate Garraway, morning television's very own ray of sunshine, has vanished from the pages of New!, the celebrity rag for which she pens a weekly column.

"There just wasn't enough space," explains a spokesman. "It's just that sometimes we have too much to fit in – interviews and so on – that there isn't room for everything. So we decided not include it."

Happily, Pandora is assured that Garraway, pictured, will return next week – and that any leave of absence has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with her husband Derek Draper's recent political rumour-mongering antics.