Pandora: Hoon cracks whip over EU Reform Treaty Bill

Gordon Brown's parliamentary pitch battle over his controversial EU Reform Treaty Bill is about to begin, and it looks like being one giant snoozeathon for rank-and-file MPs.

Over the next three months, MPs will get the chance to examine each line of the controversial Bill, with the Conservatives expected to attempt to force a referendum on the issue.

But in an effort to wear down opposition, chief whip Geoff Hoon has recently written to Labour MPs, informing them that he plans to impose a three-line whip on each day the Bill is considered, which could run to as long as 20 days.

"As some of you in the House will remember, the then Conservative government in 1992 and 1993 had problems with the Maastricht Treaty Bill. One reason for this was that the debate was spread over many months," it reads. "The European Reform Treaty Bill will be considered by a committee of the whole House throughout February and early March, day after day.

"I wanted to give you advance notice that I will be running a three-line whip for each day it is considered."

The confidential letter, which found its way into Pandora's inbox over the weekend, has been met with a mixed response from Labour backbenchers.

Although most are behind the Bill, some are wary of such draconian measures to see it gets through.

"Basically, our lives are going to be a bloody misery for the next three months," moans one. "It might just be easier to have handed the public their referendum after all."

Director Burton – the demoniser of Fleet Street

Hollywood film director Tim Burton's previous ambivalence towards the British press appears to have developed into all-out war.

Last week, Pandora reported the (now) London-based auteur had complained to the American media about some recent coverage he received in his local paper, the Camden New Journal, about the home he shares with British actress Helena Bonham Carter.

He took a similarly dismissive attitude towards the fourth estate while attending the London premiere of Sweeney Todd, Burton's big-screen adaptation of the story of the notorious demon barber of Fleet Street.

"No, look, I really don't know anything," he shouted while passing the awaiting press pen. "I really don't know anything about it."

Burton – who later admitted to me that he visited the infamous "Street of Shame" before the sets were designed – has been widely tipped to win an Oscar. I hope his acceptance speech will be a little more polished.

Not so special for Daria

It's the final insult. If it wasn't bad enough for Jose Mourinho to discover Roman Abramovich didn't think he was quite the "special one" he originally promised, the Russian billionaire's sultry girlfriend Dasha Zhukova has now queried Jose's right to be considered one of football's foremost sex symbols.

"I don't think it is very sexy to be mean. I never found that very attractive," she says of the former Chelsea manager. "I don't like drama or being in agony – it's not my style."

As a fashion designer, Dasha's reservations about Mourinho are surprising. Both share an appreciation for fine tailoring, as opposed to bristly-faced Abramovich who prefers to stock his wardrobe with a questionable range of denim jackets.

A Letts down

Much tittering in the stalls at the recent press night of the camp musical La Cage Aux Folles, which is currently showing at London's Menier Chocolate Factory.

At one point during the show, the actor Philip Quast, who plays nightclub owner Georges, walks down the aisle to deliver a song and links the hands of two male audience members, declaring them "the perfect match".

On this occasion, he made a delightful mismatch by pairing off the Daily Mail's waspish theatre critic Quentin Letts with Sunday Express scribe (and confirmed bachelor) Mark Shenton.

Sighs Shenton: "I would have preferred to have been paired off with the Menier's restaurant supervisor myself – except he wasn't in attendance that night."

Bob's dream come true

Apart from being one of the few remaining characters in British politics, Bob Marshall-Andrews can also lay claim to being the leading member of Tony Blair's awkward squad.

So when the maverick Labour MP graces the London stage on Thursday in the play Blair on Broadway, he will achieve something of an ambition. His brief cameo will require him to walk onstage and punch Blair square in the chops.

"We haven't rehearsed it yet, as Bob is stuck out in Kenya at the moment," says writer Iain Hollingshead. "For obvious reasons, we are hoping he and the actor playing Blair will get a chance to practice it beforehand."

The show runs for three weeks, during which Hollingshead also expects appearances from Lembit Opik, Lord Bragg and Guardian writer, Polly Toynbee.