Rail ticketing sanity at last? Tessie the Truthful Engine says you shouldn't get too excited

The tale of Thomas the Privatised Franchise Tank Engine doesn’t have a happy ending

What would Thomas and his friends make of the shake-up in rail ticketing? (Rex)

Thomas the Privatised Franchise Tank Engine gave his horn a joyful toot as he approached the sheds.

It had been another tough day ferrying tired and grouchy commuters. His carriages had moaned and bitched as usual, and one poor passenger had been sick on account of spending too long impersonating a sardine while crammed inside them.

Now they were griping about the non-appearance of their minimum wage cleaners, who’d failed to turn up because the outsourced contractor that employed them had gone bust, but Thomas refused to let it bring him down. He had good news to impart.

“Choo, choo,” he cried, as he entered the siding. “Cheer up guys. They’re overhauling the ticket pricing system and ending rip-off rail fares. Our passengers will be happy at last!

“They’ll be offered the cheapest available ticket for a through journey instead of having to spend ages totting up whether it would be cheaper to buy individual tickets from each different rail operator on their iPhones. It’ll make ticket vending machines fair at last. Fair fares!

“You should be well pleased Gordon the Grim Express Engine. It’ll be your passengers who’ll be the big beneficiaries and they’ll only have to wait until May for it to happen.”

“Read the small print Thomas,” said Gordon. “It’s only on selected routes, CrossCountry, Virgin Trains' east and west coast services and East Midlands. They’re calling it a trial. Do I look excited to you?”

It was true.

Gordon was sitting in his shed glowering at Thomas. He looked like a Brexiteer confronted by an inconvenient economic truth. Deep down he was a compassionate soul, but he’d just had to put up with listening to a customer service agent telling a disabled passenger there was no one to help them get on the train because she hadn’t booked three months in advance and Gordon was now a driver-only locomotive.

He was feeling fed up about this and even more fed up that no one else seemed to see it as a problem.

Thomas, however, refused to be deflated.

“Toot, toot to you,” he said. “Jacqueline Starr, the director of customer experience for the Rail Delivery Group, says she’s determined to overhaul the system and to cut out red tape, jargon and complication to make it easier for our customers. She’s working really hard with Government to do away with the complex rules that have led to this situation.”

“Gordon,” said their friend Harriet, who occupied the shed in between them and had been earwigging. “You’d better send him over to Tessie.”

Thomas’s face fell. To tell the truth, he was a little nervous of Tessie. She had been brought in to replace Sylvester the Cynical engine, who’d been fired by Primrose, the rail company’s PR woman, after he was found to have been speaking to the media without getting permission from the Fat Controller.

Tessie, by contrast did her work quietly and without complaint. But if she was asked for an opinion, she would always tell the truth. She’d kept her job largely because nobody ever did. Other than Thomas, that is, when he was sent to see her by the other engines.

Thomas trundled into her shed and explained the situation.

“Oh you poor dear,” she said, shaking her head sadly. “They’ve really got to you haven’t they? Look, here’s how it is. The rail companies blame the Government, the Government blames the rail companies and everyone shrugs their shoulders when our passengers get cross.

“When it starts to look like it's reaching boiling point, they call in Primrose and her pals to find something they can dress up to make it look like they care about making progress. But your passengers will still have to put up with a rubbishy service and overpriced fares that rise faster than inflation. Lots of our people are on strike because the company treats them really badly, but the boss gets a bonus regardless.

“At the end of the day, this won’t change the fact that anyone travelling long distance will use Eric the EasyJet Low Cost Airplane if they’ve got any sense because even though it’s environmentally the worst option, it’s cheaper to fly.”

“Oh.”

“Oh is right. And you want to know the worst of it? Did you see the shiny new coat of paint François the French Engine had when you saw him last week. Or that new horn Gerhardt the German Engine was given? Their rail companies own some of ours.

“The Government says it hates the EU, but its right wing ministers were only too happy to see our rail companies sold to their rail companies so their profits could subsidise French and German passengers and ensure they live in railway wonderland. They bang on about how wonderful privatisations are, but your pal Sylvester would have probably used a word with four letters to describe it.”

“Oh.”

“Sorry, Thomas,” said Gordon, looking at the deflated expression on Thomas’s face and handing him a whisky. “But working on the railways can have that effect. Here, have one of these. You look like you could use it.”