Women reveal life being married to a man with Asperger’s syndrome

‘Steve is all you could ever want from a husband’

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Could marrying someone with Asperger's syndrome be one way to ensure a long and happy partnership? Some couples seem to think so.

Hannah Bushell-Walsh's husband was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome two years ago, after the couple had already been married several years. The happy couple now have two children together.

Bushwell-Walsh recalls an incident at Center Parcs, when Steve interrupted a peaceful pottery session with an outburst in which he furiously protested at the "lack of rules" in the recreational village.

A few weeks later he was diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome.

The pair dated for eight years before marrying, meeting when Hannah was aged 28 whilst Steve was 23-years-old.

“I liked him immediately,” she told the Daily Mail, praising Steve’s kind and genuine nature.

“Soon, I realised there was a dichotomy between Steve’s public and private selves,” she explains. “He was confident in an intimate setting, particularly when chatting one-to-one, but when he was in a loud and busy place, such as a restaurant, he’d retreat — almost closing down.”

However, she insists that his most admirable traits are as a result of his disorder rather than in spite of it.

Bushwell-Walsh praises her husband’s ability to open up her children’s eyes in ways that she cannot due to lack of patience.

Despite confessing to his wife before their wedding that he was petrified about being the centre of attention, Steve reportedly handled the proceedings brilliantly. The mother of two explained how he cracked jokes in his wedding speech and recounted several humorous anecdotes.

Whilst she has suspicions that their daughter Belle might be somewhere on the autism spectrum due to her penchant for organisation, she insists that her soft-natured personality and intelligence are the things that make her most like her father.

However, another woman reveals how throughout her 42-year marriage, she has struggled to come to terms with her husband’s Asperger’s, which was only diagnosed several ago.

In an anonymous post on Autism.org, the mother explained that he husband is incapable of empathy and physical intimacy.

“He is happy to do any job which needs doing,” she writes, “driving any family member anywhere they need to go, repairing anything broken, assisting one of the children or animals after an accident. But when I fell off a high ledge in the garden onto gravel and both my knees were pouring with blood, all he said was "You better get up now." He made no attempt to comfort or help me.”

Her husband has been predominantly asexual throughout their relationship and apparently shows very little interest in any physical signs of affection.

“So much of my relationship with my husband has been tainted by our lack of emotional communication and the recriminations arising from it: feelings of responsibility, disappointment, my anger at his complete control of our relationship, his fear of my anger, feelings of inadequacy on both our parts, and mutual failure of understanding," she confesses.

By managing her expectations and accepting her husband’s disorder, the anonymous wife insists that she is content in her relationship, but occasionally fantasises about the idea of a love affair.

“From early childhood, people with Asperger’s syndrome are less likely to recognise and understand thoughts, beliefs, desires and intentions of other people in order to make sense of their behaviour,” writes Tony Attwood in Relationship Problems of Adults with Asperger’s Syndrome, explaining how this will severely inhibit an Aspies’ ability to sustain successful relationships.

Love will always be a confusing emotion to those suffering from Asperger’s, he adds. “Someone with Asperger’s syndrome may actually perceive expressions of affection as aversive experiences, and a hug as an uncomfortable squeeze that restricts movement, and they can become confused or over-whelmed when expected to demonstrate and enjoy relatively modest expressions of affection.”

Whilst touching tales like Bushell-Walsh’s are hugely inspiring, it seems that they might be a rarity, given the typical traits of an Aspies that make it incredibly difficult to maintain a healthy relationship.

Asperger's syndrome affects roughly 1 in 100 people in the UK, according to the NHS.