'Rentlationships': How UK's housing crisis is forcing couples to stay together

'Both of us knew we were driving each other into the ground - but weren't in a position financially to move'

(KarinaUvarova/iStock )

“He was a university boyfriend, and we were very much in love. But it was not necessarily a stable relationship and could turn quite toxic at moments,” recalls Lucy* of her relationship with her ex-partner.

“We were on and off for six years, and lived together during years five and six. It was much more a financial decision rather one based on developing the relationship,” the 26-year-old post-graduate student tells The Independent.

Their relationship was failing, but Lucy and her boyfriend stayed together for two months longer than felt right because they both feared they wouldn't be able to find affordable housing alone. “Trapped” is how she felt during the final breaths of their relationship.

And they’re not alone: relationships counsellors say that "rentlationships" are not uncommon. And research shows that those in the renting sector feel their lives are being affected by the housing crisis. The 2016 “Generation Pause” study by homelessness charity Shelter showed that 13million, or 60 per cent, of those aged between 18 and 44 feel poor housing delayed them achieving their life goals even though the average millennial will spend £53,000 on rent by the time they are 20. A further one in seven private renters are spending more than half of their income on rent, according to recent figures from the Local Government Association. A separate survey by mortgage adviser L&C suggested that one in ten people are prepared to stay in an unhappy relationship if it allowed them to get a foothold on the property ladder. And due to rising rents, benefit freezes and a lack of social housing more than a million households living in private rented accommodation are at a risk of becoming homeless by 2020, according to a separate Shelter study.

“As we were both quite carefully timing the end of work and or moving on to study, we felt we couldn't fit moving costs and or someone fitting the bill for our room on their own and had been relying on sharing rent,” Lucy continues. “This was a kind of unspoken thing.

“Both of us knew we were driving each other into the ground and knew it was coming to an end, but weren't in a position financially to move. So we let it be.”

At the time, Lucy was working in a post-graduate job in publishing, and her partner also had a professional role - but they both still struggled to make ends meet in the capital.

“I've found it difficult to pay rent and live in London without very careful concern for money," she says. "Sharing with a partner was a way to alleviate that, and I moved into his house knowing that I would prefer my own space, but the financial incentive of shared rent and avoiding admin fees was huge.

“I have several friends who have made similar choices, and stayed sharing rooms with partners after breaking up with them, as they were not able afford to move and there was a shortage of decent housing available in London. Or they needed to wait for the return of large deposits makes easy movement difficult.”

Karren*, 23 who also lives in London, had a similar experience to Lucy. She and her ex-boyfriend moved in together over the summer as he settled in the capital. They hoped to save up for a deposit in exchange for paying half of her rent.

“The issue is the more this was just seen as how things were going to go, the more financially dependent I became on him moving in with me. We'd been together for four years and while we got on really well things had just sort of fizzled out.

“I was so scared about what would happen that I had to ring my parents and come up with a financial plan to break up with him. I’ve learned that staying with someone because you feel like you 'have to' is never healthy.

“I thought I was being kinder to him – by not letting him be alone in London and trying to provide this sort of like – life admin support. When actually I was miserable, and I was making him miserable. I resented him for not making me happy”

Luckily, Karren was able to negotiate late payments with her landlord, although not all tenants are so lucky. “I don't regret the fact I'm now in financial trouble, but I do regret that I treated my ex in the way I did out of frustration,” she adds.

Barbara Bloomfield, a councelor at the relationships charity Relate, says Lucy and Karren's situations are not uncommon. “I've heard of couples where after splitting up and living with friends or relatives for a while, one partner is forced to move back home due to ‘overstaying their welcome’. They’re effectively homeless and sometimes even end up having to share a bed with their ex. Couples in these situations have to be very flexible if they’re going to make it work and it does often lead to a lot of stress with neither party being able to move on because of uncertainty around living arrangements. It’s difficult to begin dating again or to start a new relationship if you're not sure if your ex-partner is going to turn up at the door, needing a bed for the night. The current economic climate is making divorce very difficult for those on low incomes.

“We also hear of ex partners creeping downstairs during the night to sleep on the sofa because they don't want to upset children about the split because the adults can’t afford to separate and make it official. In other words, the children think their parents are still together, long after they’ve decided to separate.

For those who must live with ex partners or become homeless, she stresses that setting ground rules is key when. "Giving each other as much space as you can is important. For example, if you’re fortunate enough to have a spare room for one of you to sleep in, you could make a kitchenette in there so that you don’t have to share the communal living space. Sit down and discuss house rules and be especially considerate to your ex-partner when thinking about whether or not to bring new partners into the house.

She adds: "Living apart together works best when it’s a choice, rather than a necessity."