Why you get jealous in relationships - and how to fix it

It differs between genders

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When the green-eyed monster rears its ugly head, it can be a real deal-breaker, at least where relationships are concerned.

However, jealousy can play both saviour and assassin in romantic partnerships, which is why, according to one psychologist, it’s imperative to understand how it works and where it comes from.

As Dr Robert L Leahy outlines in his new book: The Jealousy Cure, jealousy is about a lot more than a mere wandering eye, and often has a lot to do with our own character traits.

“Jealousy is always about three people,” explains Dr Leahy. It occurs when one person feels threatened by a third party. Either someone in the partnership is interested in a third party or they are interested in a person in the relationship. Of course, sometimes it can be both.

Leahy separates romantic jealousy into two categories: sexual jealousy and jealousy regarding emotional closeness.

According to him, men are more likely to be affected by the former, while studies show the women are more at risk of being consumed by the latter.

Both can arise from insecurities about the relationship, Dr Leahy told The Independent.

This can include: unclear expectations, unbalanced commitment levels, earlier experiences of abandonment and earlier experiences of betrayal.

However, the most surprising cause of romantic jealousy is far more internal.

"Sometimes jealousy can be a consequence of high self-esteem that make another person's behavioural flaws more apparent in comparison to their own e.g. someone saying ‘you can’t treat me that way!’” explained Leahy.

However, not all jealousy necessarily leads to tears, he insists.

“Jealousy in small or moderate degrees can be a sign of connection, commitment and even love,” he clarified.

“We can see that people sometimes try to test their partner to see if they are jealous; this is normal in low levels.”

One way of explaining this is imagining a partner saying: "I would not care if you slept with other people."

“If they said this, you would think they didn't care about the relationship and that they were planning on being unfaithful,” he said, adding that imagining a female partner having sex with someone else is one of the most common triggers of jealousy for heterosexual men.

“Women can be jealous of a similar kind of sexual infidelity but they are especially threatened by emotional closeness.

"They fear that the man is falling in love with someone else.”

So, if you’re feeling jealous in your relationship, what are some easy ways to overcome it?

Dr Leahy outlines his top five tips:

1. Validate and normalise jealousy. Recognise that it is a difficult emotion to have and that it is a universal emotion.

2. Consider giving up your jealousy control behaviours. Relinquish the interrogation, checking, following, controlling. The more you engage in these behaviours the more you feed your jealousy.

3. Set aside time where you will focus on your jealousy thoughts - I call this jealousy time. Whatever thoughts you have at other times, write them down, and set aside 20 minutes a day for these thoughts.

4. Develop some ground rules with your partner about what behaviour is okay and what is not and try to be flexible  For example, having dinner with an ex-partner might be a hot trigger, think about ground rules for that.

5. Recognise that if things don't work out, there is life after this relationship. Sometimes relationships fall apart, sometimes people do cheat, sometimes it is not the right fit for you. There was life before this relationship and there is life after.