'Vaginas are a poor design, you just know a man came up with it': Women reveal what they said while giving birth

“You're not coming near me again until you have a vasectomy”

(Getty Images/iStockphoto)

Giving birth may be the miracle of life, but most mothers would agree that it’s one of the most challenging things they’ve done.

Of course, men and women who haven’t had children can only imagine what it’s like to be in labour, but a recent discussion on Mumsnet has revealed a fascinating little known side to childbirth: the funny one.

As well as howling with pain, it seems a lot of women said hilarious things when giving birth, largely as a result of the gas and air they’d had.

A common side effect of the pain relief treatment was the women’s voices becoming extra deep - many revealed they sounded like Darth Vader.

And as well as suddenly developing a low voice, lots of mothers shared stories of hallucinations, including one who could see farmyard animals and another who was convinced someone was playing bagpipes outside the room.

But it’s perhaps what the women said that is most funny: “It's a poor design, you just know a man came up with it, they need better drugs or better vaginas,” declared one.

Some women understandably became angry - one shouted at the nurse to stop singing because it was annoying her, only to find out the nurse hadn’t been singing at all.

Another woman had a similar experience: ‘You're Beautiful’ by James Blunt was on the radio but she was convinced he was in the room, prompting her to yell at her partner: “Tell him to piss off, he's putting me off my breathing!”

And he wasn’t the only father-to-be who had a hard time - one was told “You're not coming near me again until you have a vasectomy,” by his partner midway through the birth.

Embarrassingly for a lot of women whose mums were in the room with them, it appears all too common for the gas and air to result in accidental admittance of previous drug habits. “Wow, this is like smoking weed,” said one; “This is better than cannabis,” said another; and “This is like the worst trip ever,” added a third.

Some women simply came out with surreal statements, such as the one who told everyone she was actually fishing for mackerel in a stream with her dad.

And in what we can only imagine was a highly disconcerting experience, one woman declared: “I can't do it my bum is going to fall out. MY BUM IS FALLING OUT!!” Fortunately it was in fact her baby not her bum that was falling out.

Other stories provided interesting insights, such as the large selection of women who’d decided they wanted to leave: “I told the midwives they could carry on if they liked, but I was going home,” said one woman.

It also appears to be a common experience for women to feel out of control when involuntary pushing commences: “I was yelling, ‘It's not me! Who is doing that?’” explained one.

And other women, particularly those giving birth for the first time simply couldn’t stop apologising to their own mothers for putting them through the experience. At least they’ll have funny stories to tell their own daughters in turn.