Pokemon Go: I caught them all and it wasn’t worth it

Pokémon's augmented reality app has caught the imagination of the world in the week since its launch – leading to unexpected discoveries and even public health warnings. But will The Independent’s curmudgeonly managing editor be won over by the virtual critters? We sent him onto the streets of London to have a go at – you guessed it – catching them all

The Independent’s top Pokémon trainer in action

I have caught my first Pokémon, and it was fun, I must say. It was a strange mauve rodentine creature, with a slightly aggressive demeanour, as suggested by its name, Rattata, and I was pleased to have dispatched it. It was in The Independent newsroom. I’ll say no more.

So I have undergone a digital epiphany thanks, as you might already have divined, to the arrival of Pokémon Go, which has landed in Britain officially (apparently unofficial versions have been around for some time).

How to explain the game? Well, it fits neatly into the category of “utter waste of time”. There is nothing in it for you, in case you were wondering; you can collect as many Pokémons [editor’s note: younger readers will know that the correct plural is, of course, Pokémon] as you like, but they are only of much use as weapons in some sort of Pokémon Armageddon, which unfortunately I am nowhere near powerful enough to begin to start. You can’t sell or trade them. You do not get Nectar points or Luncheon Vouchers. Still, the app is free to download.

Our managing editor encounters a Jynx Pokémon near the canteen

Pokémon Go amounts to something of a digital treasure hunt. As you wander around with your smartphone, indoors or out, you will find the game occasionally buzzing to alert you to the presence of a fantastical beast created by Nintendo, the $100bn (£75bn) corporate giant behind the phenomenon. They all have that Japanese manga quality to them, part cute, part disturbing.

Sometimes they are indicated a little far off, so you’ve to go and find them. Alternatively, you could find one blocking your path. In the office atrium, for example, I, with my colleague Charlotte Ingham, from HR, who played the role usually assigned to Dr Who assistants, were confronted by a dirty great ugly, menacing looking thing seemingly with evil intent called a Jynx. I’ve had enough run-ins with similar beings, ie news editors, to be ready to take it on, but unfortunately the GPS signal went down, and we had to escape via the canteen instead. That never happened to Tom Baker.

A whole new world awaits Sean O’Grady

Out on the high street we were virtually tripping over the critters. I bagged another Rattata in short order. You do so by standing there and using a ball on your screen to try and knock it on the head, like digital basketball. To my generation it is reminiscent of one of the early Disney animations mixing film and cartoon, such as Bedknobs and Broomsticks, or those scenes in Mary Poppins with Dick Van Dyke and the dancing penguins. Except, obviously, you are standing around in a busy real-world road or park rather than down your local Odeon.

Soon Charlotte and I had amassed a menagerie comprising the Rattatas, a couple of elephantine Drowzees, plus a Koffing, a sort of flying blackberry, which turned up just outside Dixons. Hypno, who looks like it’d be useful in a scrap, was standing in the doorway of NatWest. A Pidgey – yes, indeed, a pigeon like thing – was outside the newsagents, and a Paras bird just by the bus stop. On return to the office a Raticate hopped onto the escalator and, in a final flurry, a Spearow hopped onto my desk as I settled down to write this memoir. Sweet.

A Koffing appears outside Dixons

Anyway I managed to get to Level 5, which apparently allows me to have my Pokémons get into a fight in a gym, or something like that, but I didn’t have the time to organise it. I believe it would necessitate a trip to “The Professor” to get my Pokémons – and they are MY Pokémons, as you do get possessive – upgraded. Sounds a bit too silly, even for this app.

Pokémon Go, then. On the plus side: it is harmless, and better for you than, say, crystal meth. On the minus side: you can get run over, as I nearly did, chasing after a turtle or something, and it would be a shame if you were late for a job interview because you were going after Ditto, a blob of such rarity it is yet to be spotted “in the wild”.

Anyway, I’ve wasted a sufficient amount of your time. Back to reality.

Well, do you agree with our writer that ‘Pokémon Go’ is a complete waste of time? If you’d like to add an abusive, violently ageist comment, perhaps invoking the spirit of one of your favourite Pokémon warrior beasts, and thus inadvertently supporting the thesis that the game is indeed a waste of time pursued by spoiled overgrown toddlers with nothing better to do, we’d love you to add a comment or share the article.