Should you introduce your partner to your family during the holidays? Relationship experts weigh in

The holiday season can be a stressful time for families. Amber Raiken speaks to licensed marriage and family therapists about important things to keep in mind before introducing your partner to your relatives

If you’re in the midst of a new relationship this holiday season, you may be faced with the opportunity to introduce your significant other to your family. However, it’s likely you’ve found yourself mulling over an array of reasons why the holidays may not be the right time for such an introduction.

The holiday season is often perceived as the most wonderful time of year, but that’s not necessarily the case for everyone. In a recent poll from the American Psychological Association, 41 per cent of US adults said their stress levels increased from November to January when compared to other months of the year. Nearly 50 per cent of Americans also described their stress level during the season as “moderate”.

Everyone has different concerns leading up to Christmas, Hanukkah, or New Years - from family drama at the dinner table to a small spats with your mother about decorations. With what can be stressful events, it only begs the question: do you really want to bring your partner into the mix? While it’s important to eventually introduce your loved ones to your significant other, relationship experts believe there are some discussions you should have beforehand, especially during the holidays.

Speaking to The Independent, Rachel Zar - a licensed marriage and family therapist at Spark Chicago Therapy - acknowledged that while every family is different, there’s a variety of problems that could arise during the holiday season - mainly because we put too much pressure on having a joyful holiday. “I think anytime that emotions are heightened, with the holidays certainly being one of those times, our expectations are really high,” she said. “We’re expecting it to be this joyful, happy, perfect occasion. So, we sometimes forget that the holidays come with a lot of stress.”

Despite tensions between relatives at the dinner table, that doesn’t mean your relationship shouldn’t be celebrated. Saba Lurie is a licensed marriage and family therapist at Take Root Thereapy in California. She explained to The Independent that while there isn’t a right or wrong time to introduce your partner to your family, the intentions of such an introduction must be clear. Not only should you have already discussed where your relationship is headed, but you should also tell your partner everything they need to know about your family.

“I think you should tell the person why you’re bringing them home for the holidays, so you’re on the same page about the intentions and what’s motivating the decision to include,” she said. “Sometimes it can be helpful for them to know about the dynamics that they’re stepping into and how they can best support you. Frankly, they should be aware if there is tension or if there is stress within your family.”

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Communication before the holidays goes both ways, and there are things that your family should know about your significant other too. “If there’s something about your partner that could be surprising to your family, or that’s a notable difference from who someone you’ve brought home before, tell your relatives that,” Zar said. “Let’s set your family and partner up for success.”

Before bringing your significant other home for the holidays, you may want to express to your family how you wish for them to feel included - such as incorporating your partner’s family traditions into your own celebration. However, Zar advised against oversharing information before Christmas. You still want your family and partner to connect in person, rather than hearing about each other through the grapevine.

When it comes to introducing your partner to your family, there’s still some extra planning to be done ahead of time. If you’re travelling this month, you may need to decide on sleeping arrangements - as opposed to residing in your parent’s house - in order to minimise family stress.

“It would be really helpful to have conversations beforehand, so it’s clear what you are agreeing or not agreeing to,” Lurie explained. “For example, if your family isn’t comfortable with you bringing someone home and sleeping in the same bedroom, then you and your partner may stay elsewhere. But those would be conversations that you all need to have together. It really depends on your relationship with your family and with your partner.”

It’s also important to be checking in with your partner while spending time with your family. These check-ins may include some quality time together, so that any family drama that may arise isn’t hurting your relationship.

“I’d recommend pulling your partner aside and saying: ‘How are we doing?’ Like a temperature check,” she added. “Those are points where the two of you can come and remind each other: ‘We are a team in this.’ Or, the two of you could go on a walk and separate from the family, just for a little bit of time to reset within the relationship.”

During the holiday season, your partner may be seeing how you interact with your family for the first time. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing, according to the relationship experts. “I think introducing a significant other to family is a really vulnerable act, and that vulnerability is going to be what allows for greater intimacy,” Lurie said. “When your significant other sees you with your family, they may see another side of you that they may not have had access to before.”

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On the other hand, your partner could learn that your relationship with your parents and extended family members is complex. That isn’t necessarily a cause for concern, as long as you inform your significant other about the interworkings of your family dynamics.

“I think that we tend to be our best relational self when we’ve really done the work around understanding all of our past relationships,” Zar explained. “You can tell your partner: ‘I don’t have a close relationship with my brother, and here’s why. Here are the intentional choices that I’ve made around it.’ Or you can say: ‘Here’s my chosen family. These are the people who are important to me.’ Your significant other will see that you’ve been introspective and have takeaways around how you’ve navigated your family’s origin.”

As long as you and your partner have discussed your relationship expectations - both before and during the holidays – introducing them to your family may deepen your relationship and could be a step in the right direction. Or, it could have a simpler meaning - the holidays being an opportunity to bring two important people in your life together and get to know each other.

Regardless of what your relationship with your family is like, deciding how and when to introduce your partner to your loved ones is entirely up to you. “I don’t think there’s ever going to be a perfect time for folks,” Lurie said. “I think it’ll depend on the relationship between the two partners and also on the family dynamics, and what feels more comfortable for all parties. I don’t think there’s going to be a right or wrong time for the introduction.”