A hard problem for her, too

Impotence is traumatic for a man, so his partner must stay sympathetic. Somehow. Hester Lacey reports

WHEN Lorna's husband Richard hadn't laid a finger on her in bed for nearly two months, she began to get worried. Trying to initiate lovemaking herself didn't work; Richard wouldn't even kiss her. Finally, Lorna lost her temper with her husband; they quarrelled bitterly until eventually he broke down in tears and admitted he simply couldn't manage an erection. "I actually felt relieved in a way," she says. "I had been feeling terrible, wondering if he didn't fancy me any more. I even got to the stage of wondering if he had another woman tucked away somewhere - that would be so unlike Richard I can laugh about it now, but I was getting really paranoid."

Last week, the Independent on Sunday highlighted the difficulties that men over 40 may experience in getting NHS treatment for impotence. But impotence isn't simply a male problem; it affects men's partners too. The Impotence Association helpline has received 18,000 calls over the last two years, and Ann Craig, the assiciation's director, estimates that as many as 20 per cent are from women. "We have women crying down the phone," she says. "We see the same pattern over and over again. Our surveys have found that six out of ten men won't discuss impotence with their partners; sometimes they will even try and blame them, saying things like 'You've put on weight' or 'I don't love you any more' as an excuse not to make love."

The Impotence Association has produced a leaflet for women whose partners have problems. "They have to get their partner to understand that it is a common medical problem and nothing to be ashamed of," says Ann Craig. "When we did a survey we found out that in 21 per cent of cases of impotence the relationship had broken down because of it. Men can lose their relationship because they aren't understanding about their partner's needs."

Women, she points out, can play a key role in seeking help for the problem. "A lot of women lead their relationships when it comes to medical matters, and can get their partners to go to the doctor. One woman rang, absolutely distraught. Her husband, who was only 36, had had problems since the age of 20; he had very low blood pressure and one of the side-effects of his tablets was impotence. He'd been referred to a therapist, who hadn't helped, and was in a deep depression. They are getting treatment now, but if his wife hadn't called, it would just have gone on and on."

Finding the right treatment can also be frustrating for partners. Kathryn Wilkinson's husband began to have problems with lovemaking after an accident. "We had been married 21 years and it felt very strange. Our sex life had always been very good. Initially we didn't talk about it because I thought it would get better. Our doctor just told him not to worry, but eventually we went to a specialist who wasn't very sympathetic. She suggested injections, but it was horrendous. My husband faints even seeing needles on the telly, and there was no spontaneity. The specialist said we just had to put up with it, so we tried it twice. I had to do the injections, and I have to say it made me feel completely turned off." Eventually they switched to an American treatment, MUSE, where a tiny pellet inserted into the urethra after urination leads to erection. "He goes off to the loo and comes back raring to go," says Kathryn. "It's still a bit clinical but it's given us back what we've lost."

Susan Quilliam, relationships expert, agony aunt, and the author of Relate's new volume, Stop Arguing Start Talking (Vermilion pounds 6.99), says that almost all the letters she receives about impotence are from women. "I was surprised to find that women can be just as stroppy when men can't get it up as men can be when their partner has a permanent headache. They get very upset and angry. Women feel desperately rejected when their partner can't make love to them. There is this myth that men can get it up at the drop of a hat, and women think 'If he can't get it up for me he's saying there's something wrong with me'." Often, she adds, in a close relationship, even if the woman tries to be understanding and reassuring, the man can tell she is unhappy. "It's best to be honest: say 'I don't want to feel like this but I do - it's not your fault'." And usually the problem is curable. "Making love a couple of times a week, which is the national average, is something men should be able to carry on doing as long as they want to."

The Impotence Association Helpline is on 0181 767 7791