Spring unnerves me – I can’t help but notice how neglected everything looks

It’s the time of year when sunlight suddenly floods your home and you realise your kitchen is absolutely filthy – and you notice how pasty your ankles are, writes Jenny Eclair

If I received a fat windfall, I’d have a mature magnolia tree planted outside my window (PA)

I have entered the “disgruntled phase”. Spring often unnerves me – it’s the time of year when sunlight suddenly floods your home and you realise your kitchen is absolutely filthy. Especially the windows: after all, the window cleaner hasn’t been indoors for 12 months.

Spring is when you remove your socks and notice how pasty your ankles are; it’s when that cardi finally comes off, only to reveal an extra cushion of flesh which has inextricably attached itself to your stomach.

Everything is tired and needs renewing or refurbishing. I’ve almost worn through my TV chair; the sofa fabric is a distressing shade of dingy; light fittings have broken and my kitchen cupboards are chipped.