‘Lockdown brings old flames out of the woodwork in droves’

Same old lockdown: yoga, online dates and exes, but at least this time Trudy’s mum is in line to get her vaccine. By Christine Manby

(Illustration by Tom Ford)

How many weeks have we been in this lockdown? If I’d used the time to whittle ivory like a Napoleonic prisoner, I could have made a scale model of the armada by now.  If I’d used the time sensibly, I certainly could have improved my yoga skills. Instead, I have set my email filters so that anything from Yoga With Adriene goes straight into spam. I still can’t do a headstand but I feel much better about it.

Bella continues to insist that we all file a daily “wellbeing” photograph for the office Instagram. My colleagues seem to be scrambling as badly as I am to find photo-worthy moments in the endless days. George posted another abstract shot of a cappuccino yesterday morning. Issy was reduced to photographing a pigeon. I photographed a Sainsbury’s Belgian chocolate choux bun but couldn’t use the pic. My biggest client, Saskia, produces a vegan non-alcoholic root-based beverage (#Yne, silent hashtag) and I’m keen to be involved when she launches her Kettle Chip-fragranced candles next month. She sent me a sample last week. She says the idea is that the scent of crisps can help satisfy cravings and support weight loss. It doesn’t work. Every time I burn one of the candles, I feel an irresistible urge to go to the chippy on the way back from my sanity stroll.

The potato candle did draw Minky the hamster out from hiding last night, however. She emerged from beneath the fridge, nose atwitch. I got down on my hands and knees and crept across the kitchen floor towards her with a colander in lieu of a net. I got so close, but then my knitting injury flared up, my shoulder gave way and I collapsed face first onto the floor. Minky escaped and one of my front teeth feels a bit loose.