I'm still playing Pokémon Go and I have no idea why

Spinning Pokéstops until your eyes roll back in your head

I hate you, you bastard.

I take no pleasure in relentlessly catching Pidgeys and trafficking them to Professor Willow, whose office must be so covered in Pidgey and Rattata sh*t by now he’s likely been forced to impose a ‘kill shelter’ policy. The whole thing’s a grind, but grind I do, every time I walk from building to building and Tube stop to Tube stop.

It was fun at first. Pokémon Go was the ideal nostalgia vehicle, reminding millions of millennials of the time they spent wandering through Tall Grass on Game Boys in the corner at family parties. It was simultaneously exciting and amusing, having a shared experience with other people hovering near churches clearly looking for Poké Balls rather than Jesus. During this decade of high body count atrocities and dystopian political figures, the game’s immersive world was soothing; a happier headspace.

But after a few weeks, Poké fatigue set in, as you fully realised what you’d suspected for a while: though innovative, Pokémon Go’s gameplay is actually incredibly limited and repetitive, and while it’s not as cynical and avaricious as its pay-to-win smartphone game rivals, it operates using similar mechanics.

Levelling up is a road to nowhere where you have to decrease your speed with each passing marker. Gyms are a fruitless cycle of conquer-lose-conquer-lose-conquer-lose. Trying to ‘catch ‘em all’ is enjoyable, but undermined now half the world already has using Pokévision (which wasn’t cheating, it actually made the game more fun), and without it, finding the remaining rare creatures would take the kind of man hours that would leave you physically and mentally compromised.

I know all this to be true, but I’m still pressing that icon on my Home Screen. I’m still spinning Pokéstops for Great Balls that I’ll likely waste trying to catch a fleeing Drowzee that I don’t really need anyway.

I guess it’s a pleasant distraction when on foot or bus, but so are books.

For me, the addict, it feels like the crystallisation of a hollowness that’s only becoming more prevalent in all forms of gaming, be it leaderboards yoyo-ing to infinity on online racing games or multiplayer shoot-em-ups' 'I die, then you die, then I die, then you die' ad infinitum premise.

Maybe I’ll delete the app one of these days, but hell, if I stick with it another day or two maybe my Golbat will have slightly more CP. And what an achievement that will be!

I’m a junkie, Lucky Egg tucked under my arm, heating Eevee candy over a flame.