The 20 least sexy songs about sex of all time, from John Mayer to Liam Payne

A playlist of guaranteed mood-killers, put together by Kevin E G Perry

Don’t talk about sex, baby: Top left clockwise, Liam Payne, Justin Timberlake, John Mayer and Katy Perry (Getty)

Christmas is the sexiest time of the year. Don’t just take our word for it: in a 2017 study with the seductive title “Human Sexual Cycles are Driven by Culture and Match Collective Moods”, researchers found a marked increase in the amount of sex people have during the festive period. Unsurprisingly, there was a corresponding uptick in babies being born nine months later. Must have been all that eggnog.

But this is 2021, and yet another pandemic Christmas, so who has the time or energy for all that this year? To help you do your absolute level best to avoid getting in the mood this season, we’ve rounded up a selection of ostensibly sexy songs that might just end up giving you the ick.

Featuring contributions from the likes of Kings of Leon, Rihanna and Justin Timberlake, here are the 20 least sexy songs about sex of all time:

20. Rihanna – “S&M”

Listen, far be it from us to question the queen that is Rihanna on matters of sexiness, but there’s just something about the lyric “Sex in the air, I don’t care, I love the smell of it” that conjures the fetid, morning-after sweat of a sex club rather than the sweet scent of seduction.

19. Paris Hilton – “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy?”

Rod Stewart’s tongue-in-cheek 1978 disco spoof (currently viral on TikTok) was bad enough. But if you really want to put a dampener on proceedings then look no further than the hotel heiress’ 2006 cover version, which brought her debut album Paris to a risible climax.

18. Peter Gabriel – “Kiss That Frog”

The fairy tale about the princess who kisses a frog is a perennial childhood favourite, but we could have done without former Genesis frontman Gabriel retelling it on his 1992 album Us, all thewhile imploring: “You alone can get him singing/ He's all puffed up, want to be your king.” Gross.

17. Kings of Leon – “Sex on Fire”

The Followill brothers had a massive hit in 2008 with this ode to hot, hot sex, apparently written by lead singer Caleb about his model wife Lily Aldridge. It may have been intended as a compliment, but remember: if it burns, see a doctor.

16. John Mayer – “Your Body is a Wonderland”

The Connecticut-born singer, songwriter and guitarist is a self-styled ladies’ man who’s dated many an A-lister, including Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Aniston and Taylor Swift. We’re surprised they didn’t get toothache listening to this, though: “Your skin like porcelain / One pair of candy lips and your bubblegum tongue.” Wait, is this about a jar of sweets?

John Mayer: “Your skin like porcelain / One pair of candy lips and your bubblegum tongue.” (Press image)

15. Nickelback – “SEX”

In the opening verse of Nickelback’s sleazy 2008 hit, frontman Chad Kroeger sings: “‘No’ is just a thought that never crosses my mind”, which is both an extremely creepy thing to say and a helpful explanation of how this song ever got made in the first place.

14. Black Eyed Peas – “My Humps”

The most remarkable thing about this inexplicably huge hit from 2005 is that Fergie describing her breasts alternately as “my humps” and “my lovely lady lumps” isn’t actually the least sexy thing about it. That would be Will.I.Am’s instruction to “mix your milk with my coco puff”. Pass.

13. LMAO – “Sexy And I Know It”

This 2011 viral hit from uncle-nephew duo Redfoo and SkyBlu begs the question: “Are you, though?”

12. O-Town – “Liquid Dreams”

Released in 2001, this anthem to wet dreams is all about how many celebrities of the era (Destiny’s Child, Halle Berry, Salma Hayek and “Madonna’s wild style” are among those referenced) cause the American boy band O-Town to experience nocturnal emissions. How flattering!

11. Flo-Rida – “Whistle”

In this 2012 club hit, Tramar Dillard, better known as Flo Rida, repeatedly implores a young lady to blow his whistle, a subtle* metaphor for his penis. More than that, he clarifies, he’s actually the “whistle man”: “Girl, I’m the whistle man, my Bugatti the same notes / Show me your perfect pitch, you got it, my banjo”. Wait, whistle... but also a banjo? Sounds like Flo doesn’t even know his own instrument.

*The least subtle thing ever said, ever.

Justin Timberlake: “Little girl won’t you be my strawberry bubblegum” (Getty Images)

10. Justin Timberlake – “Strawberry Bubblegum”

This track from 2013 album The 20/20 Experience suggests that the man once regrettably referred to by the tabloids as “Justin Trousersnake” could be losing his touch. “Little girl won’t you be my strawberry bubblegum/ Then I’d be your blueberry lollipop/ And then I’d love you ‘til I’ll make you pop” are the sort of lyrics that get you put on a register.

9. Paul Anka – “(You’re) Having My Baby”

The Canadian crooner’s 1974 hit was once voted the worst song of all time in a CNN poll. It’s hard to put your finger on just why it’s so disliked: could be the sexist lyrics, the casual abortion reference or the truly unforgettable grunted line: “Oh the seed inside you baby/ Do you feel it growin’?”

8. U2 – “Get On Your Boots”

Ever wondered what chat-up lines Bono uses? No? He gives us a clue on this execrable single from 2009: “I got a submarine/ You got gasoline/ I don’t want to talk about wars between nations/ Not right now/ Hey sexy boots/ Get on your boots/ Yeah.” Bono? More like, oh no...

7. The Blue Mountain Panpipe Ensemble – “Sexual Healing”

Marvin Gaye’s timeless 1982 hit “Sexual Healing” is famously one of the most sexy and seductive songs ever recorded. Do not, however, make the mistake of accidentally queuing up this panpipe cover version in Spotify instead. Very different results.

6. Katy Perry – “Milk Milk Lemonade”

Recorded during sessions for the pop star’s third album American Dream, the track was dropped from the release for unknown reasons. Maybe it was the sub-par lyrical punning (at one point Perry asks: “Don’t you know all the boys are jelly of you?”) or maybe it was the robotic voice intoning a playground rhyme about where poo and pee come from? Truly, a riddle wrapped up in a mystery.

Katy Perry: “Don’t you know all the boys are jelly of you?” (AP)

5. Liz Phair – “HWC”

As Garth Marenghi famously put it: “I know writers who use subtext, and they’re all cowards.” Liz Phair is no coward, as this declarative track from her self-titled 2003 album makes abundantly clear. Altogether now for the chorus: “Gimme your hot white cum / Gimme your hot white cum / Gimme your hot white cum / Gimme your hot white cum.”

4. Another Level – “Freak Me”

When British boy band Another Level covered Silk’s “Freak Me” in 199, it gave the band one of their biggest hits and introduced a whole generation of concerned parents to the lyrics: “Let me lick you up and down / Til’ you say stop (Everytime I think about your love I want to lick you down).” Hopefully everyone involved took a long shower.

3. R Kelly – “Pregnant”

Given the truly horrendous sex trafficking crimes he was convicted of in 2021, R Kelly has hopefully lost the vast majority of his fans for life. The nadir of his particular ouevre came in 2009 with this track which opens: “Girl, you make me wanna get you pregnant / Lay your body down and get you pregnant (knock you up).”

2. Ne-Yo – “Sexy Love”

Included on 2006 album In My Own Words, this transparent attempt at seduction is undercut by lyrics revealing Ne-Yo’s extreme sensitivity. “Just one touch and I erupt / Like a volcano and cover her with my love,” he sings. Fetch that woman a towel!

1. Liam Payne – “Both Ways”

Liam Payne really, really wants you to know that he’s had a threesome. On this bisexual-fetishising song from 2019 debut album LP1, Payne’s vivid descriptions of his ménage à trois might make your toes curl, but not in a good way. “Sharing that body like it’s our last meal / One and a two and a three, that’s for real,” he sings. We never had to put up with any of this from One Direction.