Mental Health Awareness Week: Musician Frank Hamilton on how he changed his mind about depression

Artist also shares his new video for 'More or Less'

As part of Mental Health Awareness Week, London-based musician Frank Hamilton writes on how his views about mental health changed when he began suffering with depression.

We're also premiering his new video for 'More or Less'.

Frank says the song is "easily one of the most personal songs on the album and needless to say, I was in a pretty dark place when I wrote it.

"The song is about my relationships - with music, girls and myself - and at the time of writing I was convinced it would be the last track on the last album I ever made (which might still be true but let's hope not."

Mental health: How I changed my tune

I’ve always considered myself pretty normal - whatever that is. I’ve got two loving folks, a couple of siblings and we had a family cat when I was younger. There were camping holidays in a rusty old Volvo, kick-arounds in the back garden and many a sing-along to anything I could lay my grubby little ears on.

Fast forward a few decades and those sing-alongs in the car have turned into a dream career, writing and singing songs, while my folks are making the most of their retirement and my brother and sister both have wonderful spouses and children of their own.

In Facebook terms, we’re a roaring success. But behind the scenes? Well…

I’m not too sure when it all started for me. I’ve always been a bit weird and insecure, and I’m no stranger to being in dark places every now and again - but this was different. This was lasting.

I’ve seen depression described as ‘a total loss of who you are’, and that’s exactly how it felt. Gone was the confident, cheeky-chappy who turned #OneSongaWeek into a #1 album. Lost was the self-respecting, sociable person my friends and colleagues wanted to be around. The only things I gained in almost 18 months were a scraggy beard, yellow teeth and an eating disorder.

Honestly? I’m not sure why it took me so long to notice. I’ve written lyrics about it for ages - “and every time my parents call I do my best to tell them I’m fine… even though I’m messed up coz there’s far too much stuff in my mind”. I guess you could say my fake smile was well-practiced and I did a good job of covering it up - to everyone, even myself.

In hindsight, my problems had been brewing for years and were mostly self-inflicted: from the rollercoaster path I’d chosen (pursuing a solo recording career is a head-f*** at the best of times), to several learned behaviours (a victim complex and inherent pessimism).

Throw in some recklessness (which started out as fun but soon became a repetitive form of escapism) and the subsequent self-loathing that ensued, and I could pretty much be a poster boy for ‘first-world problems’.

I don’t want to dwell on it, because we’ve all got our battles and let’s be honest I’m a lucky bastard for being able to write songs and make albums with my time on this planet, but I will say that being an artist is an odd life for a human being to lead. Spending every waking moment of the day thinking about your brand, which also happens to be yourself.

Pretending everything’s great on social media when it isn’t, not just because that’s what we all do, but because your career literally depends on it. Having friends and siblings think you’re ‘living the dream’ when you’re really just sat there in a dressing gown for the third day straight, waiting for an email to arrive. Maybe it’s just me - I’m about as DIY as it gets - but the music industry can be an awfully lonely place.

Then, there’s my mum. The most wonderful, caring woman you’ll ever meet. On paper she’s done it all - from being one of the first female IT tech’s, to completing a degree while pregnant, to having three children, four grandchildren (and counting!), a loving husband of 40+ years and so on!

But in her head, she suffers sometimes. I feel like I can’t really talk about the specifics, partly because she’ll already be mortified reading this, and partly because not everyone in the family knows the extent of it - a fact which makes me sad and frustrated in equal measure.

The thing is, if you’d asked me a few years ago for my thoughts on mental health and depression, and whether or not me or any of my family would ever suffer, I’d have told you respectfully that there’s absolutely no chance. Never in a million years. We’re just not ‘like that’. Even at the height of my own struggles, I was blind to it.

As far as I go, I’m doing okay. Not quite back to my old self, but getting there. I feel lucky to have a cool job, a few great friends (most of them drifted away - and who can blame them) and I’m eternally grateful to my folks for the learning of many positive behaviours I can call on when I try hard enough - like self-worth, empathy and love.

And as far as my mother goes, she’ll be fine. Especially after the rest of my family read this :)

When I think about my experiences and those of my friends, family and musical contemporaries I’m left with one conclusion and one conclusion only - that these feelings live within all of us and the more we talk, the more we share and the more we empathise - the happier we will all become.

So if you asked me now how I feel about myself and my family? Much the same. I consider us pretty normal - whatever that is.

'More or Less' is the third single from Frank Hamilton's album STMLSLA - dubbed as a 'self-help guide masquerading as an indie pop record - which is out now