Music: Lyric Sheets

After Amy Lauer answered an ad in The `Sunday Times' Lonely Hearts column to meet "a successful, good-looking, musician/composer 43" she found herself dating Tubular Bells maestro, Mike Oldfield. Many other veteran rock stars have recently come on to the market.

The Rock Star Dating Kit

Since months of hell with:

a) Boyhood genius

b) Wildman

c) Millionaire

I have decided that I'd have:

a) To leave

b) Largactyl

c) Tony Blair

His problem is he's:

a) Mad on football

b) Not Keith Richards

c) Static

And can't stop playing with:

a) Models

b) Sting

c) The trainset in his attic

Another major drawback is he's:

a) Moody

b) Bankrupt

c) Barking mad

But old enough to:

a) Dress himself

b) Buy firearms

d) Be my dad

The periodic tantrums:

a) Terrified me

b) Are hilarious

c) Not on vid

My only souvenir's his:

a) Bank book

b) Secret diary

c) Kid

As soon as I get:

a) Well

b) Remedial surgery

c) A good lawyer

I'm going to:

a) Marry Mick

b) Rebuild my life

c) Sell GM soya

`Martin Newell - Poetic Licence', Independent poems 1994-1996, is available now