Bafta revelations shock and amaze

Thanks to exhaustive trawling through last year's big and small screen offerings, extensive insider dealing and actionable industrial espionage, I can exclusively reveal the winners of the following Bafta awards for television ahead of tonight's glittering ceremony (8.35pm BBC1). (Well, it's hosted by Billy Connolly and Liz Hurley will be there.)

The Jane Seymour award for Identical Performances in Different Programmes: Stephen Mapes for Martin Chuzzlewit and Revelations

The Lest We Forget award for Crimes against Humanity: Alan Cumming for starring in and writing The High Life.

Best Use of Pained Expression to Cover All Dramatic Eventualities: Nigel le Vaillant throughout Dangerfield.

Best Costumes: Revelations (special citation for Mary's cardigans).

The Trumpton award for Wooden Acting: the cast of Crown Prosecutor.

The Everything But the Kitchen Sink award: the spectacularly portentous plot covering cult worship, the C of E, the FBI, MI5 and the dangers of deconstruction in Signs and Wonders (and that was just Episode One).

The Slumberland award for Boredom: those stupid Renault commercials. Do we really want to know more about bloody Nicole and her papa?

And seriously: Best Dialogue: Victoria Wood for Pat and Margaret eg: Thora Hird: "She's playing you for a giddy kipper."