Why can't these selfish nurses and firefighters try raising their salaries through crowdfunding?

Health service unions complain about the number of nurses who rely on food banks. So instead of raising their wages, we should introduce a grape tax, in which anyone visiting a sick relative in hospital has to take four grapes from each bunch they bring in, and give it to a nurse

This is a tricky dilemma for the Government, because they clearly adore our “hard-working and heroic firefighters, nurses and police”, but at the same time they know it’s very important none of the bastards are paid any money.

One way they might resolve this issue is agreeing that instead of financial rewards, there will be extra words in front of the way they’re described. So instead of “our brave and heroic firefighters”, they will be known from April 2018 as “our brave, heroic, slender and sultry, powerful yet mystically irresistible firefighters, dripping with strength and yet also good at art”.

It’s also possible the Democratic Unionist Party will force their own pay formula on the situation, in which firefighters get an extra rise if they drive in formation through a Catholic area on the way to saving a cat from a tree, and instead of using sirens, they all stand on their ladders playing the flute.

This could be one of the many advantages of having a Government that relies on support from fruit bat Presbyterian creationists. They can offer solutions such as saving money for the NHS, by replacing expensive operations with encouraging patients to welcome Jesus into their hearts. And they can halve the education budget by scrapping all lessons about Ancient Rome and Vikings, which never existed as the Earth was invented by God in 1564.

The police keep complaining they can’t afford to live in the areas they’re policing, which shows the shocking levels of corruption in the modern force. A few years ago they were all on the take, swiping protection money from prostitutes and drug dealers, which subsidised their pay and kept down the burden on the taxpayer. But these days there doesn’t seem to be the same initiative. Instead it’s just “me, me, me” with the modern copper.

One solution could be for the police to raise money by crowdfunding. If you’re burgled, put the crime on the internet and if your followers donate £300, the police will catch them for you. For £800 they’ll frame them as a member of Isis, and this way we can ensure a fully funded police force on a sound economic basis.

Similarly, health service unions complain about the number of nurses who rely on food banks. So instead of raising their wages, we should introduce a grape tax, in which anyone visiting a sick relative in hospital has to take four grapes from each bunch they bring in, and give it to a nurse.

Because the important point is to maintain sound finances, in the strong and stable manner we expect from this Government. It’s to their credit that under pressure they retain a consistent policy on matters such as the pay freeze, which is to insist it’s kept in place, then announce they’re scrapping it, then say they’re keeping it but only on Tuesdays, then half the Government makes a statement that although they’ve always supported it, this in no way means they ever supported it. And they go through that process every single day, because they’re strong and stable.

But the point they always insist on, is it’s vital that most of us become consistently worse off, as that’s the only way to guarantee the economy will be sound so that we can all enjoy being better off.

It’s the first rule of economics that the worse off you become, the better off you are. When the economy is working to maximum efficiency, your most treasured workforces receive their salaries and exclaim, “This is marvellous. I’ve been paid a bunch of wild berries, and given a recipe for making soup out of boiled polystyrene cups stolen from a neighbour’s children’s party. We’re ROLLING in it”.

Luckily, even under the regime of austerity, those in the direst need have been protected from its most severe consequences. Which is why corporation tax was cut to its lowest level and the top rate of income tax reduced, and the richest 1 per cent have benefited from the fastest rise in inequality for 40 years. It’s a sign of our community spirit that while public sector workers in meaningless jobs such as teaching have become 6 per cent worse off, they’ve chipped in to help out those who are struggling, such as Richard Branson.

Now Labour are planning to ruin everything, not by spending more money, but by spending the same amount on different things, so instead of tax cuts for the wealthiest, it will spend that sum on health, paying firefighters and scrapping tuition fees.

Conservatives like to explain the economy as if it’s a household, so to make this simple, it’s like a family saying, “From now on, instead of spending thousands of pounds a week on Dad’s high class prostitutes and cocaine habit, we’re going to spend it on vegetables and getting the toilet fixed”, to which the only sensible reply is, “Oh and where are you getting all this money from? The magic money tree?”