Donald Trump has been scared away from London by a big balloon

Bad luck London: it turns out the US president probably won’t get to see the very British piece of subversion, a Trump baby blimp flying over the capital next week

How would Vince McMahon, the boss of wrestling’s WWE, announce the fight of the century in London next week?

I imagine it might go something like this: “This Thursday 12 July, the capital of Great Britain will be the setting for the world championship!

“We’ll have with us in the ring, the biggest, the boldest, the brashest, the president of the United States of America, Donald J Trump, in the fight of century against London’s all orange Trump Baby Blimp. The winner will be whoever flies highest. And we’ll throw in a belt or something.

“But wait, what’s this… I’m being told… Ladies and Gentlemen we already have a victor. It looks like the president has decided to forfeit. By technical knock out the blimp has won it!”

Yes, it’s bad luck London. After the capital’s mayor Sadiq Kahn, who's helped with the training by making himself available for Twitter sparring, approved a very British piece of subversion by giving the green light to the blimp to fly above the capital, it turns out the man in the White House probably won’t get to see it.

So the right wing’s poor wee snowflakes can calm down. We haven’t had to endure the medical shortages that will be caused by their hard Brexit yet so there should still be a supply of chill pills at the local pharmacist.

Conservative Home’s Tim Montgomerie and the rest of the social media mob will be able to turn their attentions back to trying to burn the country via the above mentioned lunacy, because we on the allegedly anti-American left look set to be denied our fun.

London is all but off the agenda for His Orangeness.

Upon landing next week, the Donald will be whisked off for a swanky dinner at Blenheim Palace. Presumably they’ll have an RAF Typhoon or two on hand to complement the military pomp that he and Melania will be served up and to shoot the blimp down if it looks in danger of getting anywhere near Oxfordshire.

By the time he arrives at Winfield House, the US ambassador’s residence in London where they’ll stay overnight, it’ll be too dark to see the floating inflatable and I imagine they’ll whisk him out of there before it’s up in the air the next morning.

Perhaps the London Central Mosque could help out with an alarm call. It’s just around the corner.

There’d be a certain poetic justice in its committee asking the muezzin to turn the speakers up for the pre-dawn prayer and disturbing the president’s slumber in the process, given his Muslim travel ban.

Oh dear. Now I’ve put another subversive idea out there. I’d better go stand on the naughty step for half an hour. I wonder if I’ll be able to see the blimp from it?

After Trump’s very brief sojourn in the capital, he’ll be off to watch things go bang at a military base, when he will presumably speak to troops, who will run the risk of getting cashiered out at best and sent to the infamous military jail in Colchester at worst if they’re not polite.

Sorry, I’m supposed to have said that he’s going to “witness the UK’s cutting edge military capabilities and integrated UK-US military training”. Or something like that.

Then it’s off to Chequers for a working lunch. I assume the prime minister’s country pile will have been cleaned up after the Brexit battles, and in particular, Boris Johnson’s inevitable messy bout of indigestion during the presentation of Theresa May’s latest idea for settling the impasse with the EU over customs (which it won’t do).

A meet and greet with the Queen at Windsor Castle, and Donald and Melania will be off to spend the weekend in Scotland, where I expect the Donald will alternately sleep and play golf. It’s a hard life being the leader of the free world.

We residents of the capital will just have to settle for enjoying the fun of the Trump baby blimp without him. Well, we residents of the capital and all the world’s media, who surely won’t be able to resist filming and photographing it, and posting it all over the web. Perhaps someone would care to tweet a pic to the president so he doesn’t miss out?