The Dark Lord and the Fab Five: When Voldemort went on Queer Eye

To celebrate season three of Queer Eye landing on Netflix, I imagine what might happen when the Fab Five meet their trickiest client

The Fab Five — briefed on Lord Voldemort’s current predicament and ambitions — are in an SUV heading to Lord Voldemort’s home. As they pull up, they’re shocked at its dilapidated state. They see a damp and derelict house with boarded windows, missing roof tiles and unchecked ivy spread across its face. The Fab Five gingerly walk through the neglected front yard, wading through four foot tall weeds.

“Oh. My. God. What is this place? It looks like a caveman banged a cabbage patch,” exclaims Bobby with disgust.

“This is like the green emoji with the puke face,” adds Jonathan, gagging.

Lord Voldemort opens the front door and beckons the Fab Five inside. “Welcome, Muggles.” And so it begins.

As he wades further into the Voldemort residence, Bobby cannot contain his shock at his surroundings. “Dear Lord, what happened here? No windows, snake skin everywhere and a bookshelf that includes Mein Kampf? Ugh no! This has gotta go!”

Feeling hungry, Lord Voldemort then makes his way to the kitchen where he meets Antoni. “Voldy! Tell me about your eating habits - what do you like to eat?”

“I strictly follow a Dementor diet,” the Dark Lord replies curtly.

“What does that mean?”

“Dementors only eat souls. Nothing physical that walks the earth.”

“Oh, so you’re vegan? Nice! Me too!”

Voldemort is not impressed. He’s beginning to have second thoughts about this makeover project and retreats quickly to his bedroom to be alone. Is a PR job to tempt more Death Eaters on board really worth it? Will the TV time genuinely translate into more followers once he’s shown his more personable side? He needs time to reconsider.

His alone time, however, turns out to be short-lived as Tan emerges from Voldemort’s closet looking very unimpressed: “Ugh - this is beyond gross.”

“Is there a problem, Muggle?” Voldemort sighs, consigning his introvert recharging time to the dustbin.

“Mr Voldemort — you own nothing but grey! You’re a fashion terrorist! Those people you killed probably died the second they saw your heinous wardrobe. No wonder you can’t snag Harry!”

“Firstly, it’s Lord Voldemort. Secondly, I have a wide variety of colours in my wardrobe — from deep grey, to mid-grey, to light grey.”

Tan groans audibly. “Lord have mercy! We’re going shopping!”

**

At a streetwear shop on Oxford Street in London, Tan France stands next to a sheepish Lord Voldemort, clad in a mid-grey tunic. “Your Lordship, you need to be more hip. Start with a pair of Air Jordan 1’s in Blue Lagoon!”

“This colour hurts my eyes,” says Voldemort, as he squints at the shoes while putting them on.

“Let’s make your dull grey overcoat a bit edgier with these purple patches. And let's replace that old grey tunic with this Supreme hoodie,” suggests Tan.

“PresumablySupreme is in reference to my wizarding prowess?”

“Ha. No.” The temporary smile on the wizarding antihero’s face vanishes. “Now try on these skinny jeans, your Lordship!”

“I’ve not worn skinny jeans before.”

“I’m not surprised, given how flat your bum is. Have you considered fillers?” With a flourish, Tan makes his way over to a new aisle. “Anyways, time to accessorise. Bald is so out this season so try on this dad hat.”

Voldemort looks at the hat and smiles again. “LV — my initials — I like it.”

“It’s Louis Vuitton, genius,” snaps Tan in response. “Now let's spruce up your magic stick with glitter: pink or purple, or both?”

Lord Voldemort hesitates for a second too long.

“Heck, let’s do both. Now which of these two skull-buckle belts do you prefer?”

“They look the same.”

Tan rolls his eyes. “They’re so different — you’d think you of all people would know that! One is lapus and the other is cerulean!”

**

Back at his house, Lord Voldemort seeks to examine his new look. As he opens his bathroom door, he sees Jonathan, who has been waiting for him to show up.

“Who gave your lordship permission to be so pale?!” Jonathan exclaims.

“The Dark Lord never seeks permission; he only grants it.”

“Well we need the Dark Lord’s skin to shine as brightly as your ambition. What do you use to moisturise?”

“I use a wand.”

“Awand? Never heard of this brand. But hey, you do you. Listen — your teeth: they’re so crooked!”

Voldemort seems a little taken back by this comment. “That’s just how teeth are in Britain,” he answers, eventually.

Jonathan isn’t satisfied. “Not any more, Voldy! We’re going to get you on Invisalign! Also, I’ve never done this before.”

“Done what?”

“Usually, I encourage people to pluck their eyebrows into shape. But since you have none, we're going to draw them on wholesale for now.” Jonathan pulls a Sharpie out of his pocket and begins to draw eyebrows onto Lord Voldemort’s face. “This Sharpie fix will do for now but for a sustainable solution, rub Rogaine onto the eyebrow area twice a day to stimulate hair growth, OK?”

Once the eyebrows are drawn on nice and thick, Jonathan turns to Voldemort’s main facial flaw. “And now we’re going to grow you a nose with some contouring!”

After an hour of trying, a weary Jonathan concedes, “Gosh, it’s so hard to accentuate your nonexistent nose. You’ve got to lay off the powder, Mr V.”

Lord Voldemort sighs. Saying nasalus maximus would have been so much easier, he thinks to himself.

**

As evening draws closer, Lord Voldemort finds himself in his living room with Karamo and Tan.

“So you’re really keen on this Harry Potter guy, huh?” Karamo enquires.

“Yes. I’d say he’s a Horcrux - Latin for ‘piece of my soul’,” replies Voldemort.

Karamo clasps his hands together; he’s touched. “Awwww - soulmates already. So cute. So how you are going to get him?”

“I’ll get him with a spell or with my pet snake.”

Karamo is unimpressed. “A snake never helped anyone get laid!” he says with exasperation. “You need a puppy — which is why I got you this lab retriever!”

Karamo opens a box, pulls out a gorgeous lab retriever and hands it to the Dark Lord.

“And to make the puppy look dope, let's accessorise it with some retro-cool eyewear!” Tan adds, as he fixes some goggles on the puppy’s face. “Awwww, this puppy looks adorable on your arm. What will you call her?”

Without a pause, Voldemort says, “Since she’s my bitch, I’ll call her Dumbledore.” He looks himself up and down in the mirror: the new Supreme hoodie, Air Jordan 1 Retro High Sneakers, Louis Vuitton hat, skinny jeans and glittery wand. He has to admit that likes what he sees, even his newly plump posterior, drawn-in eyebrows, contoured nose and signature pet. Out of sight of the Fab Five, he covertly blows himself a kiss.