No sex and the single girl: Are we becoming a nation of Bridget Joneses?

Why are men like lavatories? Because they are either vacant or engaged. Or so runs the single woman's favourite joke.

Men's egos may take a further bashing from the latest statistics from the Office For National Statistics; the General Household Survey says four in 10 single women are not having a sexual relationship.

Bridget Jones, The Independent's single-girl diarist, may bemoan her eternal quest to find the perfect man and Mr Darcy lookalike. But she is in good company. Experts believe the new figures reflect the fact that such a large percentage of women are not having sex because men simply aren't up to scratch.

Used to choosing their own house, their own career, the way they dress and the way they spend their time, women are now applying the same sort of control in their private life. And they expect the same high standards to apply.

Mary Balfour, director of Drawing Down the Moon, described as the introduction agency for thinking people (apparently more of her clients read The Independent than any other paper) says significantly more women than men contact her agency, in an attempt to find the perfect partner who will fit in with their lifestyle.

The qualities they are most commonly looking for (besides the inevitable sense of humour) are similar levels of ambition, success and status.

"Sometimes they can be a bit unrealistic and we have to make them realise that every relationship is a compromise," she said. "But it is difficult because they have choice and control in every other area of their lives - houses, jobs, the responsibilities they take on. They may be in very senior positions and they feel that they can apply the same criteria to their private lives."

Julia Cole, counsellor and spokesperson for Relate, agrees. "You no longer hear the phrase 'on the shelf' after 30," she said. "I think there are definitely more choices for women aged 16 to 49 as opposed to the choices they had 20 years ago.

"Young women who come for counselling are saying that they are delaying sexual relationships, saying 'I don't have to fit into the stereotypes that my mother and my grandmother did. I can have a career and family or a career without a family; I can be with a partner or not'. They have a multiplicity of choices."

And after three decades of easily available contraception, the urgency of having sex just because you can has also worn off, believes agony aunt Virginia Ironside.

"I think if we were looking in the 1960s and 1970s the figures would be completely different." she said. "We were all completely preoccupied by sex and I think things have settled down. I think there has been a puritanical reaction to what went on in those decades.

"Then it was jolly difficult to say no when contraception was freely available ... Before, the old reason was that you could say 'I don't want to get pregnant'. But now with more emphasis on 'no means no' and more emphasis on women's rights, a kind of new reasoning has come in. I think there is much more female solidarity also."

The image of teenagers as sex-obsessed Lolitas is also a myth, according to the survey. The 16- 19-year-old age group were the least likely to have a sexual partner - with fewer than half in a relationship. But Dr Christine Griffin, senior lecturer in social psychology at the University of Birmingham, puts this down less to messages about the dangers of HIV/Aids and more to some vestigial attitudes about the sexual double standard.

"I think traditional attitudes do still exist," said Dr Griffin. "There is an assumption from research that a lot of people have changed their attitudes, particularly young women, but on the ground I don't think they have. There may be an image in the media that young women are more sexually knowing but there is still anxiety amongst them that they won't get a bad name for themselves."

But what can men do with the abstainers? "I think it leaves men in a difficult situation," said Ms Cole. "Men are having to make choices about their careers because of family life. There is now an expectation that they will spend some of their time looking after the children.

"Roles have changed so dramatically since the war that there is a lot of stress building relationships. It's been like reinventing the wheel."

Of course, there is one more question to be answered in the battle of the sexes. Sadly the annual General Household Survey does not collect data on how many men claim to be having sex.

But then, we all know what they'd say anyway.

t Living in Britain: Results from the 1995 General Household Survey, available from The Stationery Office; pounds 30.