The devious art of passive aggressive gifting at Christmas

Sometimes a bottle of extra-strong cologne speaks louder than words...

For people with less than nuclear families, Christmas presents are a way to vent (RTimages-iSTock)

Christmas adverts would have you believe otherwise, but the holiday season isn’t for making your loved ones’ dreams come true with a three-for-two deal from Boots or a trampoline from John Lewis. No, in families and among friendship circles where decent conversation dried and died up a long time ago, Christmas is for giving passive aggressive gifts to express your (resentful, hate-fuelled) emotions.

A beautifully wrapped bottle of extra-strong cologne might be the only way to tell uncle Terry that it might be nice if he took more than one shower in 2017. And for the Grinches among us, nothing is quite as satisfying as gifting your brother an iPad in front of your entire family after an argument, knowing full well he’ll give you a pair of socks from a petrol station. (Even if it does mean we have to live in our overdrafts for the next six months). Schadenfreude truly is a gift that everyone can enjoy.

“My sister was overseas for Christmas, but thoughtfully left me the gift of Trinny and Susannah's How to Dress for your Body Type book," wrote on Reddit user on a thread revealing the most passive aggressive gifts people have given and received. "I re-gifted it to her the next year. And back and forth we go."

Another woman described an ill-thought-out bike from her (unsurprisingly) now ex-husband. "He was an avid BMX racer all through school but knew I hated riding bikes. But he let his best friend pick out my gift that year. The same friend who bought me Slim Fast for Christmas.”

“I have 13 cousins on my dad's side," wrote another. "My grandmother gave us all Christmas cards, everyone of my cousins got a $50 bill. I got a $5. That lady did not like me."

But as we head into 2017 trying to cling on to any semblance of normality and stability, it might be wise not to cut ties with your nearest and dearest, however enjoyable it is in the short-term or irritating they are in the long-term.

Rightly, Denise Knowles, a counsellor at the relationships charity Relate advises against passive aggressive gifting at Christmas, or any other time of the year.

Instead, if communication has gotten to the stage where gifts speak louder than words, it would be more responsible to give your supposed loved-one something to break the ice. In a sense, if you’re brave enough to give a passive aggressive gift, it’s advisable to follow it up with a conversation about why.

“But bear in mind that gifts can be quite a blunt instrument," she warns. "There are generally better ways to communicate uncomfortable and difficult conversations than giving passive aggressive gifts. Some conversations are more difficult to have than others because if we love or care about somebody we don’t want to hurt them, but if we say nothing our feelings of disgust, hurt or anger can turn into resentment. This is where getting a third party such as Relate involved can help.

"One piece of advice for communicating something tricky is to take ownership. So if somebody isn’t exercising the way you think they ought to (and again remember this is only your opinion) you could say for example 'I’ve noticed we haven’t been walking as much as we used to and maybe we could do more of it'. If you buy a gift for your partner and didn’t realise it would cause offence - you probably need to work on improving communication in your relationship."

Still, the fact that you are still giving a gift at all is generally a good sign. "A passive aggressive gift may be a way of communicating anger but it might equally be a way of highlighting your fear for a loved one’s health or wellbeing,” she adds, which is what you can tell uncle Terry when he ignores your intervention for the seventh year in a row.