Heart Searching: When the kids are all right: Why is it so difficult to find a partner if you have children? Emma Cook reports on an agency that caters for single parents

You're in a nightclub chatting to someone, and they ask you more about yourself. Tell them you're single but committed to a demanding job in the City and the image of ambitious independence will appeal. Alternatively, tell them you're single but committed to a demanding toddler in the home and you may face a different reaction. This was the experience of Pauline Jacobs, who set up her specialist agency, Kids No Object, eight years ago.

Divorced in 1983, aged 30 with one son, she found that the traditional stamping ground for single people - discos, nightclubs and parties - were ultimately a no-go area for single parents. 'In that situation, if you actually say you've got a six-year-old at home, the response is, 'Oh really? Goodbye',' she says. 'I was meeting men who didn't want children and just weren't interested in them.'

Most dating agencies cater primarily for single, professional lonely hearts, whose perfect partners have so far eluded them because of demanding commitments to a pressurised career. Their lists of social events aren't exactly ideal for a mother or father of three, unless they've got an extremely understanding childminder.

Even if they do get out on a promising date, that's only half the battle won. 'Unfortunately, once you're a parent, you're a package. It's no use saying, 'I like you very much, but I can't stand your children',' says Mrs Jacobs.

She eventually met her husband through a local single parents group, where she mixed with people who, like herself, were involved in family life. The fact that one-third of all marriages end in divorce and second marriages stand even less chance of survival doesn't seem to dissuade many single parents, who are clearly still keen to have another go. 'It wasn't the idea of marriage that was wrong,' says Mrs Jacobs, 'just who they were married to.'

Based in Chichester, West Sussex, Kids No Object caters for the south of England, while the sister company, Partners For Parents, covers Greater London. With 7,000 people on the database, Mrs Jacobs is now planning to expand by taking her service nationwide.

For a one-off fee of pounds 40, members complete a questionnaire and receive information of potential partners in the area. The emphasis is not on meeting up in numbers but getting to know one person, initially, over the telephone or by post. 'When you're stuck on your own with two kids, it's better to start off from the comfort of your home,' she says.

Although the loneliness of a divorce can be devastating, Mrs Jacobs says turning to Kids No Object straight after a broken relationship can be disastrous. People wishing to join should really have a good idea of what living alone is like, and have recovered from the initial trauma of separation.

Mother of two Gillie Griffith, 37, joined the agency over three years ago and is always aware of the emotional baggage that potential partners carry over from previous relationships. 'You've got to accept most of us will have some,' she says. 'But then it's nice to get it out in the open as long as it's not too horrendous.' Divorced six years ago, she is ready for a new relationship and feels her son would also benefit from a father- figure. 'He really wants to step across, let go of my apron-strings and model himself on someone,' she says. 'When I meet anyone new, he does home in on them.'

Even though she hasn't yet met her ideal partner, Gillie has made several male friends, with whom she keeps in touch. At Kids No Object, the emphasis is more on a long-term relationship or companionship, so the attitude towards sex is relaxed. 'They know as a parent that sometimes you're too shattered anyway,' says Gillie, who tried dating through other agencies and found the experience more pressurised. 'Just because you're single with children, they somehow thought you were going to be 'easy'.'

Nigel Clark, 45, met his fiancee, Karen, 36, through Kids No Object 18 months ago. Previously divorced, he also found non-specialist dating agencies unsuitable. He embarked on a couple of dates with independent women who, aged 35 and over, were still uninterested in having a family. 'A lot of them were career girls who just wanted to enjoy life. I can't blame them for that.'

Nigel felt his strong points were providing comfort and security, something these women didn't need. When he fell in love with Karen, also divorced with two young sons, he was only too happy to fit in with a ready-made family and adopt the role of father. 'If one guy can't make his own children happy, why shouldn't another one try?' he asks.

Gillie's fear is that sometimes single mothers can be 'sitting ducks' for men who don't want to give too much commitment. 'They know you're always in, so it's up to them when they pop round.' Nigel disagrees and believes that men desire security as much as women. 'A lot of guys like myself just want to settle down with a family, whether it's their own or somebody else's'

Kids No Object certainly seems to reflect this, attracting as many men as women. Most of the male members are divorced, with regular access to their children, but in the last two years Mrs Jacobs has also noticed a dramatic rise in fathers who have full custody. 'More men are beginning to feel isolated,' she says. 'Also, they find that single women can get possessive. An awful lot of them see the man's children from a previous marriage as a threat.'

When two single parents get involved romantically, there is more than just one relationship to consider. And with some adults behaving childishly and displaying jealousy, it's not surprising that the children can present problems.

In Mrs Jacobs' experience, it is the older children who are more possessive and critical of a new partner than the younger ones. She believes that if parents present a united front, then their offspring will accept and hopefully benefit from a parental addition. 'At the end of the day, your children grow up and leave,' she says. 'You've got to have a stab at happiness. Everyone's entitled to that.'

Kids No Object and Partners for Parents, Lymington, Fontwell Avenue, Eastergate, Chichester, West Sussex. PO20 6RU. (0243 543685).

(Photograph omitted)