Virginia Ironside’s Dilemmas: I feel guilty about my father's death

Dear Virginia,

A couple of months ago, my father died. He was suffering from an incurable illness and had always asked us to see that he didn't suffer, and I was able to ask the doctor to give him what presumably was an injection that killed him. But since then, I've felt absolutely terrible. I feel I murdered him. There's no one I can talk to about this in case I'm prosecuted. What can I do? I feel so guilty, I don't know how I can cope.

Yours sincerely, Andrea

Guilt and bereavement always seem to go hand in hand. You'd probably be feeling racked with guilt whether you'd asked the doctor to put your father out of his misery or not. You would have felt guilty you'd not been with your father when he died. You'd have felt guilty about being with your father when he died and not telling him you loved him. You'd have felt guilty, if you'd been with your father when he died and told him you loved him, that you hadn't been a good enough daughter to him during his lifetime. On and on go the self-recriminations and it's amazing how many of them we can dream up when we're unhappy.

You are in a slightly more difficult position because you actually have a specific incident about which to feel guilty, which makes the guilt seem more robust. We have all been brought up to believe that to wish someone dead is a very bad thing. To actually have any part in helping someone to die is, argues our primitive mind, actual murder.

But let me put another scenario to you. Let's imagine that you had overridden your father's wishes. And let's imagine he had died an agonising death, screaming for an end to his torture, choking, ranting, blind, deaf, incontinent, racked with muscle spasms, confused and terrified.

When he had finally died, perfectly "naturally" how would you have felt? Would you not then have felt terribly guilty? And would you not actually be right to feel guilty? True, you would have spared yourself the anxiety of feeling like a murderer later, but at what a price to your old dad?

Whenever you feel the agony of guilt, tell yourself that the agony you are suffering is the agony that your father would have been suffering had he died in pain. Tell yourself that you are shouldering his pain for him. Once you see there is a point to your suffering, it won't, I hope, feel so bad.

And share your secret. You'll be surprised at how many others have done exactly the same thing, including myself, in different circumstances. Were we all to be prosecuted the courts would be busy for the next thousands years.

To end on a personal note, I think you are quite wrong to feel a shred of guilt. What you did, and said, was the bravest, most unselfish and most loving act a child can do for a parent. Your father brought you up to do the right thing. You did the right thing. I think he would be really proud of you.

Readers say...

You followed his wishes

Your father asked you not to let him suffer and you followed his wishes by making a request to the doctor. It is the act of a loving daughter not that of a murderer. If I found myself in that unenviable situation, I would do the same. It sounds like you're not certain that it was the injection which ended his life but in any case your father was fortunate that you loved him so much you would risk possible prosecution and I am certain he would be horrified that you are feeling so guilty. Be kind to yourself, you will cope and maybe through your experience you could help others to campaign for a much-needed change in the law.

Jane Bradley

West Sussex

You showed mercy

Andrea is beating herself up. She did exactly what her father requested and spared him further pain and anguish. If the doctor had disagreed with Andrea, he/she would doubtless have spoken up; few are blindly obedient to such demands, especially in that situation. When a parent dies, it opens the emotional flood-gates. A plethora of dammed-up memories and feelings, often negative, can inundate the offspring. Andrea seems to be attaching all these emotions to just one decision. Neither she nor the doctor did anything wrong. What is bad about showing mercy?

Name and address supplied

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Guilt is part of grieving

Three years ago my beloved father died of clostridium difficile which he contracted in hospital while being treated for pneumonia. He suffered the most undignified and debilitating end to his wonderful life and I was racked with grief and guilt. I felt I must have been able to have prevented what happened to him. After two years of this enormous grief I had to seek help. These things I learned. One can never go back and change what has happened. Sometimes a dilemma such as this can never be resolved and one must ultimately be content to leave the 'frayed ends dangling'. Guilt is a natural part of grieving and most of us suffer it when we lose a loved one. Be comforted that you did what your father asked and ensured that he left this world free of pain and with dignity.

Mrs M E Spendlove-Mason

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