auntie ag

KEEPING MUM

I work in one of the biggest and best-known buildings in the country and my mum has announced that she wants to come in and see it. I am hideously embarrassed at the idea of showing her around in front of my work colleagues.

Rachel, Muswell Hill

AUNTIE AG: Warn her in advance that the office dress code is very strict, even for visitors, and tell her she has to wear a suit (or something similarly smart). When walking her round, carry a notebook and pen and wear an attentive and deferential expression at all times (you can even jot down the odd note). It will look as though you are showing round an Important Official Visitor, angel (plus the attentive and deferential look is sure to please your mother).

GET OUT OF TOWN

My husband's best man was also his best friend and we have seen a lot of him since our wedding. He is very nice, but the problem is his girlfriend. We recently moved to the country, and whenever they come to visit she minces in on high heels clutching what amounts to a food parcel from Harrods, as though she expects to starve. She has never let me forget the one time that the Aga broke down and we didn't have any hot water. And she takes it upon herself to fill me in on all the films, plays and parties she has been to, and all the latest books and magazines, as though I might have somehow forgotten to read out here in the sticks. I am by no means a country bumpkin, and I am not jealous of her lifestyle, just annoyed by her attitude (I actually prefer living out here).

Melissa, Somerset

AUNTIE AG: Ugh, she sounds insufferable, darling, and I would say, if anything, she is the one who is bloody jealous of you, despite all her frantic metropolitan chat. It sounds as though choking her off completely is impossible at the moment, so try playing the country card as hard as you can, to put her off visiting too frequently. The next time she turns up for the weekend, announce that you are all going to get some healthy fresh air re-landscaping the garden. Or if you can't face that, angel, plan a few long hikes (try to find a field with a bull in it, if you can). If it starts raining and she hasn't got an alternative pair of shoes, so much the better. Repeat as necessary, and if she gets assertive and says that she will stay at home, suggest that in that case, could she get the dinner ready? You can then slip off to the nearest nice tea-shop, having sabotaged the Aga - if she has to riddle it out and stoke it back up a few times, that should bring her down a peg or two, angel.

OFF HER TROLLEY

My local supermarket is always packed with good-looking young shoppers on a Thursday evening, and there is one gorgeous woman in particular I have been bumping into regularly. She looks very nice, we have been smiling at each other in the aisles, and I am on the verge of asking her if she would like to go out for a drink. The only thing that is holding me back is the dreadful contents of her shopping trolley. It is always full of frozen Indian meals, lurid ice lollies, horrid ready-made cakes, prawn- cocktail flavoured crisps, and lots of packets of sweets. I am very keen on healthy eating and do not think I could cope with such a stodgy, fatty diet. Also, you are what you eat. What kind of a person can she be?

Nicholas, York

AUNTIE AG: Well, don't jump to conclusions, angel, she might be the kind of person who shops for an elderly neighbour with unhealthy preferences. But aren't you being a bit forward, assuming that she is going to start cooking for you? At the beginning of a new relationship, you start in gently with drinks and progress to restaurants. By the time you know her well enough to expect an invitation for dinner at home, you will know if she is spiritually a prawn-cocktail crisp or a fresh and crunchy salad. But if you find that you like her enough, it probably won't matter by then anyway.

HOME HELP

I have become obsessed by home improvement, having suddenly realised that my house looks incredibly dated (not that it was ever the height of fashion). I had things done to it seven or eight years ago, and some of them - Mediterranean crocks, those cute chubby bathroom taps, stripy wallpaper - just look dreadfully naff. I have been moving things around obsessively and trying to hide the embarrassing bits. I must say, I've never worried about this before, I think it's because of all this modernism stuff that's coming in. Habitat is full of scarlet Formica coffee tables and the like.

Richard, Crewe

AUNTIE AG: Oh, angel, it truly doesn't matter all that much. Haven't you noticed that when you go round to people's houses, it's never the ones that are in the vanguard of fashion that you really warm to, it's the ones that look happily cluttered and lived in? By all means, change the things that you don't like any more, and buy some lovely new ones, but have what you really like and don't fall victim to scarlet bloody Formica coffee tables.