Ten things you are doing which are accidentally showing your age

The latest fashion to be deemed an ‘old-people thing’ is... owning a wallet. Just when he thought he was down with the kids, Simon Mills looks at the other things he’s doing which are giving his age away

The years just keep rolling by – the Nineties were only 10 years ago, right? (Getty)

I am old, I am. I wear the bottoms of my selvedge jeans rolled. I also never leave the house without my wallet stashed in my jacket. Wallets being ever so organised, sensible and useful, right? And, apparently, the latest telltale geriatric signifier and screaming badge of doddery, right up there with sucking on a Werther’s Original, smoking a pipe, and still calling it “Hammersmith Odeon”.

In mine, I have a few business cards, two credit cards, a full house of loyalty cards from the big three supermarkets, some paper receipts, a photo of my daughters, two £10 notes and my driver’s licence.

All further evidence of my ancient-ness. But where else should a man keep all this essential man stuff? 

Well, like, duh, granddad – how about on your phone, on apps, on the cloud, like Gen Z. Only tragic, analogue, old people have foldy, bulky, dead animal skin “wallets” these days. Old men are now aware of this because a young person on TikTok (whatever that is) just decreed it so.  

But now our wallets have been consigned to the oldster bin containing all the other ageing stuff. Like… full-fat milk and postage stamps, landlines and leaving voicemails and calling him “Puffy Daddy”. Here are the other surprising things you’re doing which are revealing your age. 

1. Failing to understand or entertain the idea of ‘queuing’

 Millennials are happy to queue for pretty much anything. They obediently stand in line outside trendy clothes shops (Supreme, Palace, etc) and brunch spots and restaurants and nightclubs, staring at their phones to pass the time, quietly waiting until some oaf on the door with a walkie-talkie and a clipboard deigns to wave them in. Old people just DO NOT GET THIS. What, I have to queue and wait to buy a T-shirt? Get in line for coffee and a toasted bagel? Not. Doing. It. (Calling it a “walkie-talkie” is old man speak also) 

2. Taking baths

Aside from hot tubs and jacuzzis and ice baths, no one, except for pensioners and sheep, voluntarily submerges themselves in dirty tap water anymore. Most new-build properties don’t even have baths in their bathrooms. And they don’t have “showers” either. They are called “wet rooms” now. Got that?

Growing old disgracefully: Jennifer Saunders and Joanna Lumley in ‘Absolutely Fabulous’ (BBC)

3. Using a doorbell

A doorbell is for the postman and old people only. On arrival at a friend’s home or an office, a young person will send an “I’m Here” (or just “Here!”) WhatsApp and then wait to be buzzed in. Even the Amazon man and Just Eat delivery guy do this.

4. Using the phone to make calls 

Aural communication, actually speaking to people via one’s smartphone, is strictly for old people. To the young, one’s phone ringing* is usually bad news – a cold-calling scammer, a robot salesperson, someone chasing payment, maybe even a terrible emergency. If you need to speak, you fire off a warning WhatsApp before you dial. Only old people and needy parents call “out of the blue”. Similarly, leaving voice messages and expecting them to be listened to is a grey and decrepit move. Long rambling voice notes though? Absolutely fine. I don’t understand either.         

*Only old people have their ringers turned on.     

5. Asking for a menu

Anyone under 60 will have already scanned the QR code at the table and ordered dinner straight off their phone. “Prepaid” for it too. If a hard copy menu does come, you can age yourself even further by using the torch function on your phone to read it. And then leave said torch on for the rest of the dinner. This will give you the chance to tell the table that very funny story about that time you thought you’d dropped your phone in the car’s footwell and went searching for it… by using the torchlight on your phone.

6. An insistence on printing things out

Especially things like boarding passes. Old people much prefer paper to apps and emails. More official and physical. If you work in an office that has a large printer in the middle of its “workstations” (only old people call them “desks”) it will be almost completely redundant. No one will use it. Ever. And even fewer people will know how to use it. Own a home office printer and you really are in grandad territory. What's that – you also have a shredder? Are you even alive?

A wallet on hand? You may as well declarer yourself geriatric (iStock)

7. Having a TV licence or a driving licence (probably in your wallet)

Nobody has a car anymore or knows how to drive. Ever heard of Uber, gramps? And only ancient people still have aerial-connected, BBC-receiving TVs. (Which they insist on calling “flat screens”, even though ALL televisions are flat screens nowadays.) The only thing anyone has got is an air fryer.

8. Asking other people for directions

Only old people do this because everyone else knows that literally no one knows where anything is anymore. A person living in one village will have no idea how to get to the next village and will also not know its name. And, even if they did, they wouldn’t know how to give directions to it. 

9. Still thinking the 1990s was ‘about 10 years ago’

Oasis? Blur? They are those new, indie bands, right? 

10. Wearing proper shoes

Leather brogues, Oxfords. Lace-up boots. This footwear is the almost exclusive choice of the older gentleman. Look around you. Pretty much the whole world is in a soft shoe by Nike, Adidas and Puma. Those formal trainers – brown and black leather sneakers with white soles, will soon be old people wardrobe quarry also. Actually, trainers of any kind. It’s all about the sandal and sock now. Which is ironic when you think about it as that was the original grandad wear.