Eurovision is broken. Here’s how to fix it

Once the angry booing has died down, organisers will want to learn from what went wrong in Malmö and give the annual songfest a reboot. Paul Clements would like to get things started with douze points of his own…

Croatia’s Baby Lasagne: ‘There’s no place for the cringeworthy in Eurovision any more – it’s polished and professional all the way’ (TT News Agency/AFP via Getty Ima)

According to its dedicated followers, this Eurovision is the first in years without an obvious winner. Given the ugly protests against the Israeli entry in Malmö this week, there is also a clear loser: the song contest itself.

Any one of a handful of entrants – Croatia, Switzerland, Italy, Ukraine and, yes, Israel – could take home the crystal microphone in tonight’s grand final. Barring a technical hitch involving a dodgy earpiece, a voting scandal or, after all the angry disruptions, something worse, my money is on us meeting again next year in Zagreb. A win for Croatia’s Baby Lasagne looks nailed on, which, for a techno-metal band, seems somehow fitting.

At first, their infectious, humorous song, “Rim Tim Tagi Dim”, appears to be another novelty number with nonsense lyrics, nodding to daft Eurovision winners from yesteryear, such as “Dinge-Dong”  and “Diggi-Loo Diggi-ley”. Except, it’s actually about the plight of economic migrants – ”Hey, I’m a big boy now, I’m going away and I sold my cow…” – knowingly performed by a poised, bleach-haired rock god in the making.